Ooh, Ooh, I Know!

Write the entry at school while I'm still coherent. Got it. Gotta try to remember that.

I suppose I would have to say that I've been having a pretty good day. I got more sleep in last night, and more pain-free time during the day. But I do find that I'm growing less patient with the bad times, i.e., the pain times. Not that it matters, because what's going to happen is going to happen whether I'm patient with it or not.

So I called the doctor's office and asked about a nutritionist and the answer was for me to get well first and we'll discuss it the next time I see him (two weeks.) Yeah, okay. Just maybe a nutritionist would be assisting me with the "getting well" part, but whatever. He is the doctor, after all, and I do get his point if I don't particularly agree with it. But he doesn't know me yet as well as he will in times to come, so let's just build a relationship here. In the meantime, I'll look back at the books I just got, and I'll carry around lists of good foods/bad foods, and work from that. I have got to get more fruits and veggies into my diet, but I'm afraid to; I'll have to bite the bullet and go by the lists. If I eat canned veggies from the "good" list, I'll be okay, and I'm sure applesauce every day is fine. Thanks for those comments on this topic. What I need to do, other than learn to eat a healthy diet for me, is work out what my trigger foods actually are. This applies to IBS or Crohn's, but I know I ate differently for the last few years when all I thought I had was IBS (very high fiber, for example.)

As for all those other dietary recommendations that I have been struggling to keep up with over the years, it's time to admit that those are no longer for me and I don't have to read those articles or follow those rules anymore. Seven fruits, seven vegetables a day, or whatever. (This is what I expect the nutritionist to help me with, to create a set of guidelines for me, since the generic no longer apply.) Anyway, enough of that.

That's some politics going on this week, eh? Now if we can just get rid of that wacko Huckabee, we'll have a relatively viable field of candidates to pick from. I wonder if Huckabee would even have come as far as he did if Steven Colbert (and Conan O'Brien too, I think) hadn't found him amusing and given him airtime on their shows. They had no idea they were creating a monster of sorts. Not that Huckabee doesn't have his place in society; he does. He should be a minister or a televangelist someplace. He has no business being president, especially since he's made it clear that he lacks the single most important qualification: he doesn't believe in the U.S. Constitution. Just a little stumbling block there. And if McCain picks him as his running mate, I will seriously question McCain's qualifications as well.

As for McCain, I'm happy to see him doing well, and I hope he's the Republican nominee. I've got a few issues with him as well, but I liked him before and I can probably learn to like him again, although I'm currently supporting Obama. But I think McCain is essentially a man of integrity, and although he's saying certain things to get elected, I think he's really more liberal than he's currently letting on, which appeals to me, of course. But he's got to pick a decent running mate. As for Romney, I think there's just nothing there. He looks like someone central casting would send over to play the president in a movie, but I think he has absolutely no substance at all.

Anyway, we get to have our primary here in New Jersey next week on super-duper Tuesday, as probably many of you all over the U.S. do, and our choices have certainly narrowed down, haven't they? Although I understand that all of them who recently withdrew will still be on the ballot, but there are really only two candidates to vote for in either party. (Huckabee may technically still be in it, but I won't count him, and I'd like to hope he doesn't have much time left in it anyway.) Hey, the only reason anyone runs for president is pure arrogance. And chutzpah.

There, I wrote an entry, and it wasn't even all about Meeeeee!


WATCHING THE GOLDEN GIRLS :: ENTRY #1668

Four Days?

I really haven't posted since Saturday? This whole thing is seriously messing with my head. I can't keep track of the days, and I'm so tired all the time. I was at my small lunch group today -- Tuesdays and Thursdays, in the math department office -- and one of the others asked how I was doing on the prednisone. I said "Well, the room's not spinning, but I wouldn't say that the edges are exactly clear." And that's how I am. I don't know if it's the Crohn's, or the meds, or the lack of sleep. And last night was a pretty good night, sleep-wise, for me, anyway.

The worst time of the day, I think, is the first few hours. I am so tired that I can barely move, yet I'm awake, and I go through the routine of having breakfast, getting dressed, and going to work. Then once I get there I can hardly move. I sit at my desk and do what I can do there, but I'm mostly in a fog, although if I need to get up and do something, or talk to someone, I do it with perfect clarity. And then I collapse back in my chair with a deep sigh. Once the clock hits ten, I'm a little more alive. And I make it through the day, which is really all I need to do.

And I have no appointments of any kind any day this week after school, so that's a good thing, too. Although I think I may call the doctor's office tomorrow and see if I can get the name of a nutritionist or dietitian to go to. I just don't see the point of me stumbling blindly through all this when there's probably someone who can really help me work out the details. Today, for example, I'm doing an experiment and not having bread. Why? I have no idea, but I eat a lot of bread, and I guess I wanted to see if it would make a difference. (So far, no.)

Otherwise, no particular developments for me. R should be calling shortly, and then I think I'll make a nice little omelet. No cheese, but I have mushrooms, and canned asparagus, and a little avocado. We'll see how that works out. (But no toast.)

WATCHING L/O :: ENTRY #1668

Knock Wood for Me, Please

I'm a little nervous about saying it in print, but ...

I had a pretty good day.

I'm not only taking the correct dosage of the important medicine now, I'm also back on the donnatal, at the doctor's suggestion. This means that since about ten this morning, I have had no pain. Let me say that again: no pain. The lack of pain is actually so obvious to me that every five to ten minutes I kind of think "Huh, nothing hurts," and then I smile and go back to what I was doing. I have no idea what the night-time will bring, but this has been really nice.

I even managed to go out and do some things with the girls and not have any kind of emergency the whole time I was out. I'm a little loopy because the donnatal does that, but you know, feeling just a little bit stoned is not the worst thing you can feel, eh?

So I was giving a little more thought to the dog issue, inspired, actually, by Diane, who left me a wonderful comment. I didn't realize that you actually can train little dogs (and big ones, I suppose, but ick) to go in the house on a wee-wee pad or newspaper, if you need them to. It's not a first option, but it's an option for times that I can't get out. And I also realized that depending on the dog I get -- she has an adorable tiny dachshund -- that I could put the dog on a leash and just walk it around the backyard and pick up the stuff right then, and not have to walk all up and down the street in bad weather.

Then I remembered that there is a breed I fell in love with at my cousin's house in Florida a couple of years ago; I probably put a link to it here then, too. The dog is called a Coton du Tulear, which is a totally stupid name. (Here's a link to a breeder's site, but you can get an idea from the pictures and stuff.) The thing is that these dogs have just the temperament I'm looking for. They love to run around the house, but don't care if they get much outside exercise. They bond totally to their people and will stick to you like velcro when you're home. They're good with children. They're very excitable puppies, but mellow down nicely. They have long, cottony fur, but do not shed, although they probably need to be groomed fairly often. They're about the size of a bichon frise, which my cousin has one of as well, and they get along great.

All very, very good. Only drawbacks are that this is probably a pretty expensive dog, and there are probably none anywhere that need rescue or are in shelters. However. Even I, when I got to the part about "the size of a bichon frise", realized that a bichon is probably just fine a dog for me. They are much more common, and it's more likely that I could find one who needs help and a home. They're the perfect size and all, and from those that I've ever spent time with, also very affectionate and cuddly. And if someone were offering a bichon-mix for adoption, that would probably be just fine, too.

So all I need is to stick to the timeline. Get well. Work for three years. Retire. Get that lobotomy for the Hubs. Dog.

Check.


WATCHING TWO AND A HALF MEN :: ENTRY #1667

Hey, Here's a Thought

Maybe if I write my entry at school while I'm still more or less conscious, I can just post it when I get home, and voila: a real entry!

Okay. So I have been working every day last week and this week except I stayed home yesterday to catch up on resting a little. I have good days and I have some less good days, but I think things are about to take a turn for the better, because, as it turns out, I am a moron.

I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon for a regular two-week follow-up visit. The upper G.I. x-ray series I had last week turned out to be good, no sign of Crohn's in the upper part of my digestive system. My bloodwork was mostly good, but I have to go for a follow-up on that today, no problem. The doctor was asking me a variety of questions to see how much I'd improved, and although I have improved, it isn't as much as he'd hoped. And then he looked at the list I'd prepared of all the medications I'm on, and Duh. It seems that although I've been taking the prednisone with obsessive accuracy -- you have to take a certain, and different, number of pills each day; I have a chart -- the other pill he gave me, the one that specifically reduces inflammation in the colon? I was supposed to take two pills four times a day and I've been taking one pill four times a day. IT SAYS TWO PILLS FOUR TIMES A DAY RIGHT ON THE BOTTLE. So, idiot me. Anyway, I started in with the correct dosage as soon as I got home and had dinner, so I'm expecting to see a little more improvement in the coming week. The doctor was very unhappy that this whole thing wakes me up at night, which I don't love either, but it has its pros and cons, but he's hoping the correct dosage will really help settle things down.

I had started eating a more normal diet over the weekend, but it seemed a little too much for my system to take, so I've cut back to more digestible things for now. I put that beautiful piece of red snapper I got the other day into the freezer. I'm back to eating eggs and turkey sandwiches, mostly, and toast. Well, okay. Maybe by next week I can go back to some real food again.

(The Other Chai called me from the faculty room a few minutes ago and asked if I wanted to join her and someone else for lunch at Panera's today. Oy, just the thought makes my stomach hurt! What could I possibly eat there right now? Anyway, I told her that I'm not eating real food yet and I'm just going home for lunch anyway. But thanks.)

They're still giving midterms today, so once again, that's a half day of school, then kids go home. Staff gets an hour for lunch and then comes back for however long the rest of the day last, an hour and a half, I think. But I'm going home for lunch and not coming back, as I did Wednesday. Much better for me not to overdo at this point, I think.

So, on to other things, like how this is changing my life in ways other than physical. I am very much not sweating the small stuff, and practically everything is small stuff. (I have not gained back any of the weight I lost, btw, so I basically dropped about 15 pounds. Trust me, this is not the way anyone would want to do that.) I have come to certain conclusions as well.

Come this summer, I will have to find some way to hire someone to clean my house on a weekly basis. I am sick and tired of living in a dust and debris filled mini-museum. I will take a bit of time to unclutter, and then someone has to come in and dust and do the floors, and so on. I wasn't good about doing it before, and I have no intention whatsoever of using up whatever pain-free time I have on doing it now. I don't know what it will cost, but I'll give something up, if I have to.

The next one is a much tougher goal to achieve. While I was quite sick, I suddenly became aware that once I was well, I would want very much to do something that I have always, always, always wanted to do all my life, but have never been able to. I want to have a dog. I am not giving this much detail thinking yet (aside from what's going to follow here), but when I think now "Yes, I will have a dog someday," it makes me feel wonderful. I think I deserve to have one, and I should have one.

I would certainly wait until I retire. Before then, I won't have the time to devote to training a dog, or maybe even walking it every day. Looking forward to dog-ness as part of retirement is also making me happy, so I know that part of the "plan" is good.

I have two huge concerns. One, as you know because I've written it many times, is the Hubs. He does not like dogs. (He likes cats, of course.) Even so, I think that if I make it clear that I will be retired and this dog will have health benefits for me and such, he will not stand in my way. But there will still be two problems. One is that although he doesn't like dogs, dogs looooove him. If we walk into a room full of people and there is a dog there, the dog instantly gravitates to him and wants to sit on his lap and love him to pieces. Which of course annoys him. So I'm a little afraid that if we get a dog and it is certainly my dog, it will still bond with him and want to intrude on his personal space all the time, which would really not be fair to him. He may accept the fact of a dog in the household, but he won't want to love it, and he shouldn't have to. But the variable of how the dog would feel would be beyond our control.

Next, of course, is my health. If I do have a bad flare, or need to go to the hospital for anything, someone would have to take care of the dog, and it would be someone who has already made it quite clear that he (or she, if you count the kids), is not a dog-lover and has no interest in that sort of responsibility. This is a tough one. If I am in such a condition that I can't get out of bed, someone would still need to walk the dog, and feed it. (I know that the walking-the-dog problem can be partially resolved by fencing in the yard and just letting the dog go out, teaching it to use a particular part of the yard for its business, but that's a big step for the Hubs, too, since the backyard and his gardens there are his domain and his joy. Most of the yard is kind of fenced in by our neighbors' fences, but we'd still have to put in some, and a couple of gates.)

The last question is what kind of dog to get. My ideal dog is about terrier-size, is very mellow, and more-or-less shaggy. Weird, I know. I like the idea of getting a dog from a shelter; that way, if I got a year old or so dog, I'd already know its full size and it would already be housebroken. It would just be hard to know its personality, just seeing a dog in a cage like that. I know that I don't actually want a terrier because they are too feisty for me. I happened to see something about dogs on Nova, I think it was, the other day, quite interesting, and it pointed out that terriers are the way they are because they are hard-wired through years and years of breeding to be, basically, killers. I had never thought about it this way before, but it's true. A terrier is bred to kill rats or other small vermin; they do it quite efficiently, with one good bite and one good shake. So I guess not the dog for me. A big long-haired dog, especially one that requires lots of exercise, is also not the dog for me. A tiny dog, let's say a Yorkie, is very intriguing, but they are first of all too fragile, and second of all, I know that the Hubs is actually repulsed by tiny dogs, so that would be asking for too much. Although I must say that the thought of a pug keeps crossing my mind. Family friends had pugs when I was a kid, so I'm familiar with them, and I like their personalities very much. Not so keen on the slobbering. Anyway, I'd be just as happy with a mixed breed, I'd just want to know what the mix is to get an idea of what the dog would be like. Which is hard to get at a shelter. So I might find myself looking into some kind of poodle mix, because they make very good mixes, and this is so in fashion at the moment that I could probably find something.

So I'm crazy, right? I've got nothing better to do that dream about getting a dog? Hey, it's something to think about during those endless trips back and forth to the bathroom all night. A girl's got to put her mind somewhere.


WATCHING L/O :: ENTRY #1666

Quick Note

My pattern has changed some, so that just about the time I can sit down and type an entry, I find myself dealing with a bit of pain or some other related issue, but I am here, working every day, coming along. These last few days, it's mostly interfering with my sleep and my ability to get an entry posted. But I'm okay.


WATCHING L/O :: ENTRY #1665

Sunday Night

So it looks like I've mostly made it through the weekend, which was one of transition, a little, and not all of it pain-free. But hey, tonight is better than last night, so I should still get to work tomorrow. The SCM has already emailed me that he'll be out, so it should be a challenge. (At least it's a half day.) If they don't get a sub for him, well, they'll have to.

It was cold here too today, as it was everywhere, but not nearly as cold as I'm reading those of you in Minnesota, and Wisconsin, and North Dakota are getting. I had no need to go out today, so I didn't. R came by and did her laundry and visited for a few hours, which was most pleasant.

I had the most excellent dinner, despite the fact that my stomach started acting up just when it was time to eat. Yesterday at the supermarket, I got a very nice piece of sea bass, lightly marinated, and all I did tonight was seal it up in a parchment paper packet and microwave it for four minutes. So I was eating like take a bite - yum - ow! - ooh, okay -- take a bite - yum - ow! Pretty weird.

My nails are so long I can barely type. I had to cancel my appointment two weeks ago, due to being on the verge of death warmed over, and because I have a gel manicure, they are too hard for me to file myself. Which is just as well, because I would mess it up for sure. I'm going Tuesday after school, hopefully; until then I'll have to keep making good use of the backspace key.

Okay, that's it for me. 'Night.


WATCHING HP/GOBLET OF FIRE :: ENTRY #1665

Catching Up

So it's Saturday; I survived the week.

The Crohn's is what's dominating my life now, but I'm starting up a separate place to write more about that because I'd rather not lose any of you due to my obsessing over this or that medical detail here. I'll mention what's bothering me, if there's something -- and I gather that there will be for some time -- but I'll try to keep the icky parts out.

I did get to catch up on sleep a little today, and I even made a short trip to Sears to look for a couple of Land's End things that the website was out of. My big fashion news is that I'm considering finding something other than jeans to wear every day, at least for now, because the jeans just aren't comfortable. I have always expected to be in jeans daily for as long as I live, but you know, things change. Anyway, I picked up something at the store to try, and if it's good, I can get more of those online. (The store had some tops I wanted that the website was out of.)

K has gone off to Boston for the weekend to visit friends, so things are quiet here. R will come by at some point tomorrow. I did need to go food shopping today, and I was a little apprehensive about going alone, but the Hubs just volunteered right up and so we went together, which went amazingly well.

And I'm looking forward to an easier week at school. Monday, which should be a day-off holiday, is a half-day for kids in our district and in-service for teachers in the afternoon, which I am passing on by agreement with the principal. Tuesday is a full day, but then the rest of the week is midterms, which means half days for kids, and I'll go home early those days, too. No need to push for no reason. And another visit with the gastro doctor on Thursday afternoon.

And now I just need to find a comfortable position to drape myself into for a while.

WATCHING WILL & GRACE :: ENTRY #1664

It's Been a Long Week

and I am sooooo tired.

I didn't get to post last night because the phone just kept ringing, and then I crashed, and tonight I've pretty much been stretched out in front of the TV since about 7. The troubles are afoot, but it seems not in the same way they have been for the last week or so, I think because everything is starting to straighten out in there. Or maybe not, what do I know. Anyway, lots of nausea today (although I did work full days yesterday and today, go me), so I just don't know what to expect here. I hope I get some sleep tonight. More real writing tomorrow.


WATCHING GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW :: ENTRY #1664

It Was a Pretty Good Day

I worked the whole day today, and wasn't even bothered by the troubles the whole time I was there. So it was indeed a pretty good day. More people welcomed me back, etc., and in general, I've got no complaints. I'm still feeling pretty good, although I may have eaten a bit more chicken just now than I should have, since I'm feeling a little overfull. But otherwise, no pain (although I know it's coming later) and I'm okay.

I'm like a whole different person than I was two weeks ago.

Not much else to report, nothing of substance. Just a bit of nice day.

WATCHING FRIENDS :: ENTRY #1663

Just Another Day

I went for that x-ray thingy this morning, which was no big deal at all except that the troubles were keeping me busy (and in some pain) during the whole time, too. But they were incredibly nice at the radiology place, and understanding and all, and I thought very efficient, too. But by the time I got home I was very wiped out and uncomfortable, and after I ate and took my pills, I pretty much just crashed for awhile.

But I was determined to go get that haircut, and when I cracked an eye open at about 1.30, I decided it was the latest I could get up and still go, so I got up. Sleep, even for a bit, is usually helpful, so I was able to manage a shower and another sandwich before heading out. So far, I've only driven here in town, but the salon I go to is a good 20 minutes away, so it was my first adventure far afield for some time. I originally had a 4.30 appointment, but I was reluctant to drive home in the dark, and was able to get it changed to 3.00.

So my hair is cute, and I had a nice visit with Ray, who cuts my hair, and told him about my condition and so on. Ray was once very close to finishing a nursing degree before he accepted that he was good at hair and could make a living at it, so he has a good medical background knowledge, and knows what intelligent questions to ask. I'm very fond of him in general; he's been doing my hair since the brain tumor, so that's about 16 years. (And the girls go to him too, and the Hubs did for years, before he went back to a regular barbershop.)

And then I even had the stamina to do one or two little things on my way home, like go to the bank and pick up the repaired tire that the Hubs dropped off last week after my colonoscopy; we just haven't had a chance to pick it up til now. And K and I went to the deli for dinner, and I got some very nice roast chicken, nothing too heavy or spicy, and made a baked potato with it. Like a lot of ordinary food I've started eating again, the baked potato felt like I was eating the nectar of the gods. I hope it doesn't turn out to be like the worst thing I could eat. I did order a book on eating right for inflammatory bowel disease, which arrived just before, so I'll give that a look over as soon as I post. Which is now.

WATCHING FRIENDS :: ENTRY #1662

My Day In the Real World

I went out and had a life today, or something close to it. First I had to deal with the troubles from about 3 to 5 am, and then slept some, and then had a bit more of it when I got up. But when I woke up around 8, I decided that this was it, and I was just going to go about my business as best I could. I ate, and took my pills, and showered and dressed.

The snow, by the way, turned into nothing, a dusting that barely covered the lawn. By the time I went out to warm up my car at about twenty to ten, some of that had melted, too. I left the house before ten, dropped off some mail at the boxes at the post office, and headed for school.

It was very surreal, starting with pulling into the parking lot. Strange just to see the building. My space was taken, but I found a visitors spot easily enough. I toddled into the building with my big bag o' tricks (toilet paper, baby wipes, ointments, and things), by inflatable donut for sitting on (in an oh-so-discreet Target bag), and a folding snack table I picked up in Target yesterday. I was greeted very warmly by the guy at the security desk (aka, The Greeter), who was lovely, and who gave me a space to stash the snack table for a while. Then, upstairs.

The SCM had a lovely, surprised, happy look on his face when he saw me. He knew I was coming in today, but not exactly when. Anyway, being in the library was also surreal, but quite wonderful. It looks like I'm learning to be grateful for all kinds of things these days, eh? Anyway, the SCM and the new secretary were both warm, happy to see me, etc. Media Girl was not there when I arrived, but returned shortly, and she, let me tell you, is just a joy to be with. I know that her mother is just about my age, and that she herself is the same age as my oldest nephew, but I feel much more friend/sisterly with her than motherly, and I am just so fond of her. And another crazy thing too is that her husband, who also works in our building, had just been diagnosed within the last month or so with ulcerative colitis, which is very, very similar to Crohn's, so we're kind of going through this together.

Anyway, I got the main thing done that needed to be, which was set up the support system for the school I.D. cards. I've always done the cards in the library, but now they're kind of going school-wide, and someone needs to be there who can make new cards when needed. I was set to do this in December, but the principal put it off, so I never got to teach Media Girl how to do it, or anybody else how to keep the paperwork on it. But that's all set now; if I'm out again, the system can run without me. Other than straighten up my desk and update my daily planner, that's the work I did today.

Which was fine. I needed some time to go brief the school nurse on my situation, and to feel wonderfully welcomed back by many people. Of course, there were several I saw in the halls or at lunch who answered my "hi" with their own, and who probably never even knew I was out, but it's a big school. I was amused to arrive at lunch and see someone who is rarely there, spread out over three seats (including my regular one), say hi, ask me if I saw The Bucket List this weekend, etc., and then every other single person who came in screamed hello and welcome back when they saw me and gave me a big hug. I wonder if this first babe had any clue what was going on.

After lunch, I sat and talked to my principal for a bit, and let me tell you, he was incredibly nice. He understands that I will need some flexibility and that I will be doing my best to put in a full day's work, and he is good with all that. He asked is there's anything else he can do for me, and like that. A nice human being.

(Oh, my snack tray, which I recovered from the greeter's desk, was for the ladies room, since there is otherwise no other place to put anything down when you're in there. We'll see how long it lasts, although who would bother to steal a six dollar snack tray out of a ladies room, I know not.)

I did leave a little early, about 1:45, but I had put in the full half-day I said I would since I got there earlier than a half day afternoon usually begins. I was very, very tired when I left, I think, in part, from trying to keep my balance on that damn donut perched on my own wonderful desk chair! Anyway, I came home and rested a bit, and then K and I did a bit of grocery shopping. I'm still feeling my way along about what I can and can't eat. For all I know, I'm doing it all wrong, but I have no way of knowing at this point.

Tonight I have to fast from midnight on, all I can have is a sip of water with my blood pressure pills in the morning. I have to be at the x-ray place at 8:15 for a set of upper G.I. x-rays. My only concern is that this could be smack in the middle of my troubles, but hey, what can you do. The bag o' tricks is now going with me wherever I go.

The Hubs just came in, so I'll go give him the report of my day.

WATCHING REBA :: ENTRY #1661

Silly Old Me

I never meant to post so late today, but somehow I had come to believe that I posted hours ago, and only now when I went to read over what I'd written did I see it was still yesterday's entry. What a silly.

It was an okay day. I know that I can expect a period of unpleasantness every day until this is under some kind of control; it started last night around 7:30. Although I had it to one degree or another until about 9:30 this morning, I did get several good hours of sleep in and among the troubles -- that seems like as good a name for it as anything -- so in general, it's okay. And hey: I went to Target this morning! Do we need any other indication that I'm on the mend?

As for school tomorrow, I have my little bag packed with all of my potions and preparations to deal with anything I need to deal with, and I will pack my little lunch in the morning. (Gatorade, two bologna sandwiches -- one for lunch and one if I get hungry later on -- and soy vanilla pudding. And a big pill.) I have called in sick for the morning but made it clear that I'm coming in the afternoon. I am so psyched! Can anyone even believe this?

I'm not even put off by the prospect of snow, which I believe is 3 to 5 inches for tomorrow morning. Well, ick, of course, but I'm not going out at the crack of rush hour, and I'll have more than enough time to clean off my car, and I'm only driving one mile for gosh sake, and it's winter and it's New Jersey, and I've lived here all my life, and I can deal. I also have kind of nice new comfy boots to wear which haven't gotten much of a workout yet, and a very warm jacket. The only thing that would be nice would be if my hair didn't look like a rat's nest by the time I get to work, but given the weather and my desperate need for a haircut, that may be beyond my control, which means I'm not giving it a second thought. It will be what it is.

I'm developing a nice que sera, sera attitude here in general. (For those among you unfamiliar with Doris Day, that's from a song of hers and means "what will be will be.") I have pretty much decided that dieting to lose weight has ceased to be a part of my future life. My diet choices will be limited by what I'm able to eat, and I can deal with portion size on my own, and that's that. One of the side effects of what I've got here, in extreme cases, is actually malnutrition, because the body can't absorb the nutrients you're eating. Well, screw that. I need to eat healthy stuff and nourish my body. Some people with this lose frightening amounts of weight. Not that I anticipate that, but weight as an aesthetic thing is no longer in my vocabulary.

Well, let's just hope I get enough sleep tonight. I hope to get to school between 10 and 11, and stay as long as I can manage it. I'll report back from the front tomorrow.

WATCHING DATELINE :: ENTRY #1660

Rollin' the Double Nickel

So as of today, I am rollin' the double nickel, as we used to say in the seventies when mandatory 55 mph speed limits came into being. Today is my birthday and I am 55. As far as I'm concerned, this is a very good birthday, because the best ones are the ones where just a week or two ago, I couldn't even see how I was going to keep living, and here I am. 39 was like that, the birthday that came less than a month after the brain tumor. Last Sunday, I had to have my sister come and help me shower. Today, after I showered and dried my hair, I went to the cleaners' and the bank, and to a couple of drug stores looking for something. After lunch, the girls and I went to Best Buy and got me a new TV, which R set up with no difficulty at all. And for my birthday feast, I expect to order in Chinese food that I can chew, not just get soup, as I have for the last several weeks. Last week, I could only sip the broth, and couldn't even eat the wontons. Tonight? Shrimp. (But no broccoli. I don't think my colon could handle broccoli just yet.)

55 is also significant, of course, because this means that as of today, I am eligible for full retirement benefits. The teachers pension plan in New Jersey says that if you have a minimum of 25 years in -- and I have 31 or 32 -- you can retire at 55 with full benefits. Not that I'm going yet, as I've said a few times; I'd like to get in three more years, if I can. But there's an interesting sense of free fall associated with knowing that this particular option is now open.

My mission for tomorrow is to get toilet paper someplace, since I have allowed my stash to run astonishingly low in my illness. (My father is watching from somewhere, and grunting "Uhh!" because if there's anything Jack never ran low on, it was toilet paper.) And arranging for what I hope will just be a few limited absences from work this week. I expect to go in Monday afternoon, and from Wednesday on. I have that x-ray thing all Tuesday morning, so there won't be enough day to go in after; I've scheduled an urgently needed haircut since I can't go to work anyway. But starting Wednesday, I may be getting in a little late, but damn, I'm gonna get there.

Okay, gotta find something better to watch on the cool new TV.


WATCHING CRITIC'S CHOICE AWARDS :: ENTRY #1659

Keepin' On

So it's a day to day thing. I was up at 3 am this morning feeling not so great, but that's how it goes, so okay. This left me pretty tired most of the day, but at about 2.00, I suddenly felt just fine, so K took me on a short supermarket trip. I felt like I was in wonderland, and actually said aloud, with awe, "Hey! I'm in a supermarket!"

I got more phone calls and stuff done today, and got that TV picked up. It cost a little more than I wanted to pay, but hey. It took two guys in their 20s to get it out. So if the Hubs' manly pride and not being given the opportunity to do it himself is ruffled, screw it. It would have killed him, and then who would take me to the hospital when I need to go? When I thank him for doing stuff like that he shrugs and says "It's my job." Yeah, well, it's my job to look after him, too.

The hard job has been finding someone to donate all that food to, but someone who will come and pick it up. I think I've finally got it down to a local church, but the person who runs their food pantry wasn't in today and I have to call back on Monday. I called several places. But I know the church has an active group of volunteers; one is a retired custodian from my school and he would just do it if I called him, but I'll avoid that if I can; he's a little odd and slow, although very sweet. Hey, he's probably the guy they'll send to get it, but I'd rather not call him myself.

Another thing going on that's worth a mention is how my mother and and father in law have reacted to my whole illness. You may recall that I was miffed with them a few years back because neither of them ever said a word to me when my father died, which was very odd and hard for me to deal with. Well. Since I've been ill, they have called every single day, talking to the Hubs when I couldn't talk, but to me since I can. I am very touched by the sincerity of their feelings for me here (and have said so to them -- not that I'm moved by their sincerity, but that I'm so grateful for their daily calls and and concern.) It's really wonderful; it's a real parent-like behavior that I have frankly craved. I have been missing my parents terribly throughout this whole thing, the capable and strong parents they were before they became ill themselves. Truly, I was blessed to have them, and blessed to know it, too.

Okay, now I'm all misty, so I'll just post this and maybe have another bologna sandwich. I also picked up some soy-based pudding and cheese slices, and tofutti ice cream, so that can vary my diet a little.

Big day tomorrow.


WATCHING GILMORE GIRLS :: ENTRY #1658

So Here's My Story

Yes, I do indeed have Crohn's Disease. While not as much fun as having, say, a permanent pass to DisneyWorld, it is a condition that can ultimately be managed and those who have it lead normal lives. So there. My doctor was not all sunshine and roses; he indicated that it's the prednisone that's making me feel very good right now, but I can only be on that for five weeks, after which I may have another period of discomfort until we find the right medication for me. Still sounds plenty good to my ear.

As for feeling good now, the fact is that I'm feeling pretty damn okay. I have no pain in my feet for the first time in two years. My mouth is not back to 100% normal, but I can talk normally, and I can eat real food. I had a bologna sandwich for lunch, and then I had another one a few hours later.

The Hubs' main concern is that I not "overdo" as I begin to heal, and he's right, because if I feel good, I will go out and try to live normally and then I will crash. I did it after the brain tumor, too; about three weeks after I was home, I coerced my father into taking me shopping somewhere. I pushed the cart, so I wasn't walking unsupported, but the whole venture set me back about a week. So yes, I'm being careful.

Even so, I got a lot done today without leaving the house. Yesterday, a shingle blew off the roof and I got someone to come fix that, and we also noticed a leaky pipe downstairs and the plumber came this morning. I've been tidying this and that around the house here and there. The big one, though, was that I called to cancel the Nutra-System and they were SO NICE. I knew I could cancel my future membership, but I was prepared to go to war on returning the shipment I received earlier this week but hadn't opened. I didn't have to. The customer service rep said "Oh, I see you just got a shipment. Is it unopened?" and she helped me set up a UPS pickup to return it at no cost to me, and it's already gone. I was amazed. As for the food I got from them last month which is already sorted into bags by meals, I'll call the Red Cross tomorrow and see if they'll come and get it. It's shelf-stable, good for emergency situations. If not, I'll call the local food bank.

Similar day tomorrow. I need to see if I can get someone to take away the big dead TV in the family room. I know the Hubs would do it, but his back has been bothering him lately, and it's not worth it to me for him to be hurt. If I can get rid of the old one, I can maybe go out and get the new one over the weekend. And I have a few more phone calls to make, too, and maybe a quick trip to the pharmacy.

I am absolutely coming back to life. I even scheduled a haircut for Tuesday afternoon! And I am planning to go back to work on Monday! Just for part of the day, but even so. (And I have to be out Tuesday because I need to go for an upper G.I. x-ray, which takes hours because first you have to swallow the icky barium so there's contrast on the x-ray.) But after that, I think I can be back every day, at least part of the day. Who ever knew I'd be so psyched to get back to work?

And maybe then I'll have something better to write about than my less-than-dinner-table-conversation medical condition, eh?

WATCHING L/O :: ENTRY #1657

Digging My Way Back Up

Forgive the paraphrase, but I'm starting to feel like my long national nightmare is finally coming to an end.

I had a colonoscopy yesterday, and I have such extreme inflammation that he couldn't even get the camera through to the end. So that's colitis, and he took biopsies to determine its cause but his gut feeling -- ha ha that's how he said it -- is that it's Crohn's.

Now, Crohn's sucks but it is manageable and people live with it. It accounts for my other symptoms, like the pain and swelling in my hands and feet, and the sores in my mouth. My own guess is that I have had this for four years or so, starting with smaller attacks, getting progressively worse, and this was the big one. Remember, I was sick for most of the summer, too, just not this sick.

The really good news is that he put me on Prednisone, as well as another anti-inflammatory just for the colon, and I am going back to see him Thursday because he expects to see improvement by then! So I really think I may be back at work next week, although maybe not Monday, and maybe afternoons only for a few days, but we'll see.

I have lost over ten pounds, which is pretty funny because of course, I was about to go on Nutra-System to lose ten pounds. Not that it will stay off, because of the prednisone, but even so. My jeans will fit nicely this week.

I have to avoid high-fiber and dairy, truly the staples of my diet, and advil, my main crutch. Okay. So I didn't give this to myself, but I have certainly been aggravating it for the last few years with the highest fiber I could consume, and a daily yogurt, not to mention the advil.

I can't tell you how many times during this ordeal I have thought how glad I am that we went to DisneyWorld before it started.

I may not be back every day for a few days, but I'm back. Thank you all so much for everything.

WATCHING THE GOLDEN GIRLS :: ENTRY #1656

I Am Still Alive

But I am weak, and still not better. Colonoscopy tomorrow. I love you all and will write again when I can.