Surreality

The last few days have been interesting, in a way, not necessarily a good way, but, as my title says, here and there surreal.

To begin with, I had an ordinary check-up after school on Friday. This is my least favorite of all my doctors, and she should be my most favorite: the one who ties it all together, the one who has my back in a sea of specialists. She's not. She addresses the questions I ask her and treats what I present her with. She manages my basic medications. She's okay, but she's not a world-beater. In the past, when I've asked her about something -- for example, the tender spots on my head -- she always gives me a definitive answer, in that case, something about pinched nerves. She's very sure of herself. Of course, to the rheumatologist, this was a definitive marker of fibromyalgia. Whatever.

So, two things. I have a rash ... well ... let's just say sub-bosom. You big girls out there know what I mean. It's ... icky. Anyway, I had mentioned it to the rh'ologist on Monday, just in case it was a side effect of the med -- it's not -- and he asked if I wanted a prescription for it. Nah, I said, I'm seeing the other doctor on Friday, she can give me something. Here's what she said "It looks better, so keep using the cornstarch." Better than what, lady, you never saw this before. "Keep using" the cornstarch? Was I using cornstarch?

Anyway, I also mentioned to her that the rh'ologist said he would give me pain med if I wanted it, and I had decided to stop being a martyr, so she gave me what he was going to give me, which was fine. I took it Friday night before I went to sleep.

Cue the psychedelic lights and twirly things and the in and out zoom. I slept a little oddly, and woke up with not much pain in my arms and legs and back, but possible THE WORST headache I have ever had. Even so, I was in an oddly upbeat mood, and didn't let it bother me. I even drove, which may not have been wise, but no harm, no foul. I felt very much pebbled, as we used to say back in the seventies. (A little stoned.)

I lay down for a nap in the afternoon with the TV on, to "How It's Made" on Discovery Science, or something. It's little factory tours that show how a highlighter is made, and other things; I love that stuff. Anyway, I drifted into about three hours of short hops between this dimension and any number of others. I would fall asleep for 30 seconds and wake up, in the meantime, hallucinating the connection between the last thing I saw and what was on now. Did you know, for example, that sailboards (which are like surfboards, but with sails) are made in a secret facility in Nazi Germany, and that the entire process is overseen by my second-grade crush, Billy Glendenning? I never knew that before either. I couldn't get out of it; I couldn't wake up and I couldn't fall asleep. But it was entertaining.

Around dinner time, I decided to screw the whole thing and I took an Advil. Four hours later, I took two. Finally, no headache, but I still didn't sleep that well. Sunday was a similar day, but I couldn't nap at all, and was up and down all night last night, hot and cold, wide awake and drowsy, TV on, TV off. I had taken a half of the pain pill yesterday morning, but nothing last night or today. I'll wait a couple of days and then try a half again and see what it does.

I never even got dressed yesterday, never even put on a bra, which means I was absolutely not leaving the house nor was I accepting visitors. I was lucky I got my eyes to focus at all. I didn't read, didn't do much else. But I wasn't unhappy, either. K kept saying she was bored all day, but I was too lalalalala to be be bored.

We're having an emergency drill at school tomorrow, which involves evacuating the building and going someplace where we can account for all the kids. Talk about a bore. I've already arranged to hitch a ride back to the building with the nurse if the walk out there is too much for me. (I'll be bringing my cane on the adventure.)

A little later ...

Hmm. I went to physical therapy, which turned out to be an appointment they had kindly re-scheduled for tomorrow, a phone message I got as I was parking the car in their lot. In the meantime, I was noticing that when I sat in the car, the seatback against my back hurt. And then when I was walking around, my shirt moving over my back also hurt. At first I thought, Now that's odd, and then, with a giant duh, I realized that this must be a fibromyalgia thing. Even on the commercials for the fibro drugs, it says that it hurts to be touched, but I had only experienced that before on the specific tender spots. Looks like fun years ahead for me, boys and girls.

We did do a little food shopping, since the PT was canceled, so I have lunch for the week. Which is already packed for tomorrow. Now I have to pick out clothes for spending most of the afternoon outside tomorrow, but it's supposed to be in the sixties, I think, so I really have no idea.

BTW, I'm not really reading either of the books I have listed down there. Maybe someday, but I'm not reading at all lately, too foggy at night to read.





watching FAMILY GUY :: ENTRY #2128
READING: Say You're One of Them by Uwem Akpan
READING: Reading Lolita in Teheran by Azar Nafisi

Okay, So ...

no posts from Florida this weekend. It's not that I wasn't thinking about you. It's just that traveling with my family has become such a mental strain, I couldn't find the time to de-stress and write for five minutes.

Who would ever have thought that of my near and dear, the easiest one to travel with is my husband?

Anyway, I'm back, all seems peaceful and serene, at least at the moment. I haven't heard from R today, so maybe she's still aggravated with me because, after all, I did take her to freaking Florida for the weekend and rented a nice car for her to drive around and basically stayed out of her hair, but I guess I was smothering her or stressing her or something. Or so she told me Friday night after we arrived, so it ended up that I did spend a bunch of time alone, because my sister never left her hotel room except for the actual bar Mitzvah, at least while we were there. (I did get to hang out with her in her hotel room a couple of times, with her husband there, as opposed to in my otherwise empty room six doors away, but I digress.) Anyway, I decided not to let anything get me upset, so it didn't; when I was alone, I sat and read, and several times, Wonderful Niece and her Wonderful Husband made sure to include me, and that was delightful. Flying twice in three days is way too much for me. Glad to be home.

Oh, school sucks, but perhaps that will work itself out. I asked one of our union reps today if they would supply me an attorney if I had to sue the school system under the Americans With Disabilities Act. She said probably. Then I asked if the same attorney would represent me when I had to sue the union for the same reason. So things are hopping at Bizarro Town Senior High School.

Off to see the GI doctor after school tomorrow for a little fine tuning. I dropped off my hearing aids after school today -- again -- to be sent back to the shop.

In other news, I am not bankrupt, and I still have my iPhone to play with, so I guess things aren't all bad.




watching THE GOLDEN GIRLS :: ENTRY #2119
READING: The Last Olympian by Rick Riordan

Ugh

I think my sister and I need couples' therapy. We're talking again, but she always sounds angry, and is picking on me for imagined things. We talked just now -- she had completely forgotten that we talked this afternoon -- and proceeded to tell me how I wasn't getting the right medical care, my doctors were not the right doctors, I was seeing all kinds of doctors who do nothing for me instead of seeing the one I need (!?) and she knows I like my gastroenterologist (Resnick), but she doesn't, and on and on. When I got a word in, I asked how she was feeling right now, and she said in a breathy voice "Like I have high blood pressure."

Whoa. She does not have high blood pressure -- I do -- she has chronically low blood pressure, so that scared me. I asked her why she felt that way, and she said it was from talking to me. Well. I could feel the tears starting, but I fought them down and all I wanted was for her to be calm. I explained that my situation was really under control, although it didn't look that way to her, and on and on, and after a bit, I asked if she felt better, and she said she felt that same. "Like you have high blood pressure?" I asked. "If talking to me gives you high blood pressure, you won't want to talk to me anymore." And she said, after a pause, "It was a figure of speech. You know I don't have high blood pressure."

What is wrong with me? Am I just taking everything too literally these days? If she said she felt like she was having high blood pressure, what was I supposed to know that means? Maybe a couples' therapist could teach us to communicate more clearly.

No doubt there's something up with me, and I have no idea what it is. I don't feel depressed, just sad about some actual situations, like the thing with my sister and K not having a job. I got stopped for speeding today, but I didn't get a ticket, just a warning. K told me later that I've been driving fast a lot lately. I asked if it was scary to ride with me, and she paused before saying no.

Not to mention which I got this haircut that I like and not a single person has said to me "Hey, I like your haircut!" Which tells me something.

The thing is, I feel like I am perfectly fine and myself, but apparently other people aren't perceiving me that way. Which fills me with a lot of self-doubt, and I don't like that at all. It may be time to start going back to therapy (although my sister doesn't think my therapists have done very well with me, since I still have flaws that she can see that haven't been resolved, flaws that no one ever mentioned to me and I am unaware of; maybe my problem is that my ESP is off.) But the next step will be that all of this will make me sick, and I don't need that.

I am so babbling now. All I want is to simultaneously finish a book, watch some Home Improvement, and go to sleep, since my alarm is set for 6:30 and I really have to get up this time. And did I mention that they're taking George Lopez off at 10 pm starting next week? No George?




watching THE BIG BANG THEORY :: ENTRY #2111
READING: The Lightning Thief by Rick Riiordan

Okay, So ...

so I didn't post again yesterday. I've been sleeping strangely, even for me, and I was sooo tired.

Did I mention the other day that when I saw Dr. Resnick he said to continue my current routine for another three months, and the best way to get the *ahem* stuff through airport security was by packing it in my luggage. (This is a flat box which contains a foil pouch which holds your basic week's worth of little pre-filled enema bottles on a plastic tray.) Uh ... right. I did not reveal to him, as I have to you, that I am packed packed packed, am not re-packing again, and anyway, there's no room in there for that. Or in my carry-on, for that matter. So I will be using that extra back-sack. Will they confiscate my *ahem* items? We'll see. If they do, I'll either get the prescription filled in Florida, or do without. It won't kill me. But I don't expect a problem at security, although there may be a laugh or two. And yes, my carry-on is fully packed now, too, all except my wallet and the my phone and charger.

Not much today, except a long nap, which left me feeling achy and headachy. The arthritis is very annoying, and I don't yet have a reasonable plan of attack for it. There may be none. It's at its worst when I first wake up, although it did keep me awake for a few hours last night. It's my arms that hurt, mostly my elbows, and hands. Something else to deal with.

I had found some slides in among my mother's pictures. We were never slide takers or showers, so I don't know who took these, but I want to scan them, too, and boy, that is not easy these days. I tried a whole variety of approaches last night, and finally one that worked, a little -- I used my phone as a light box and took pictures with my camera in macro mode -- and then today, a coupon came, of all things, and it turns out they do it at Costco. So I'll go there one day after my trip. Some of these are pictures from my sister's wedding. There's one of me in a rocking chair with my sister's baby twins on my lap, which is something I did nearly every day after school for their first year or two, stop there on my way home and rock them and sing to them to give my sister a break. (My father would come by and take over so I could go home and make dinner. I was just married, remember.) And I think there's a picture or two of my college boyfriend. That should be interesting, because I ripped all his pictures out of my college photo album long, long ago. Not that I don't remember what he looked like -- think Joe Dirt, but not blond, mullet not quite that long -- but I'm sure my kids will get a chuckle out of it. As will you.





watching THE GOLDEN GIRLS :: ENTRY #2102
READING: A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers

Looking ... Up?

Okay, so here's where today stands:

I went to the cardiologist this morning for an annual visit, and all seems fine to him, although he wants me to have another stress test. (Two years since the first one.) I made the appointment for September 28, which, for the faithful, is Yom Kippur, but since I'm not one of the faithful, it's a day off work, so I don't have to take a working day off to go. I expect no issues to surface. He asked me if I exercise, but said nothing about weight, which is part of what makes him such a nice doctor.

I have a firm date to go in and visit OldFriend, which is the Monday after I get back from Disney World. I'm taking the train this time, and K will maybe go with me and maybe not, depending.

Last night, she got an email to set up an interview that would have been a real blow not to get. Will she get the job? Anything is possible, so she might. If she doesn't, well, I'm just really, really glad she got the interview. More on that in the future, depending on what comes of it. In the meantime, she sent in yet another application today to yet another school district.

We've had this little mini-drama going on, my sister and I, over this big box of pictures that I got from Wonderful Niece, but today, I talked to WN and everything is peaceful and serene. I get the feeling that my sister was reading more into something than was there, and as a result, was making me a little crazy, but WN assures me that all is well, and that my feeling -- that the pictures belong to all of us, she's just their keeper for now -- is exactly the way she feels. Good.

Reading. I cannot make myself finish that damn book, even though I really want to read it. I have at least a half dozen ready to go on the iPhone, but I'm trying not to dig into those at least until we're in the air next week. (I don't want to read them all and then have nothing with me when I'm away.)

Away. One week from this very moment, I will be dining at Cap'n Jack's at Disney's Marketplace, or whatever they call that little mall they have there. We're not going to the part where they have the nightclubs and such because we are, after all, four old bats, crazy perhaps, but hardly wild. We'd rather go shopping. Which we will, before and after dinner, I'd guess. Our flight and our cousins' flight from Denver arrive about a half hour apart next Monday afternoon (theoretically), so we should be at the hotel by three or three-thirty, I think.

Speaking of which, I believe I am fully packed now. Yeah, yeah, no one here believes it, either. But I think the suitcase is good. Stuffed, but good. I have a short list of what is yet to go in the carry-on, which is already stuffed as well, so I may have to carry some medication in one of those draw-string back-sacks, or whatever they're called. (It's school colors, and has the team name in huge letters across the front. These days, aren't all of us whose school name isn't Trojans thankful for that small favor? Our school name makes no particular sense, but it is funny, in a way that took me 35 years to get, which I'll happily explain to you all when I retire.)

The Hubs is now cooking an entire head of cauliflower using some method that is going to make me start sneezing uncontrollably in a matter of minutes. Time to post.




watching FAMILY GUY :: ENTRY #2101
READING: A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers

Catching Up

I'm all out of books for the moment, since I'm saving what I have for the trip. I really liked Finding Oz, about how L. Frank Baum came to write The Wizard of ... It's got a lot of historical and philosophical background, and was set in a time period I like, the late 1800s.

I did not like the next one I brought home from the summer reading list, Me Times Three, and I gave it up early on. I seriously don't understand how some of these books are chosen for kids to read. This was another Sex in the City-type thing. Why are we giving this to kids to read? What are we going to teach them using this crap?

I have another book coming from B & N tomorrow, which I hope I'll like. I'll let you know.

Pictures. I promised you a picture of the map the girls gave us for our anniversary:


I know it's hard to see what this is. The map is from the 1880s, when New Jersey was made up of several large townships, each divided into school districts. About ten years later, legislation was passed so that school districts could incorporate as boroughs, each one a distinct municipality in control of its own schools; the borough movement went on for about 30 years. This map shows the township and its school districts that was later broken up into many boroughs, including Bizarro Town, which incorporated in 1924. We were then part of Saddle River Township, but we are nowhere near the town now known as Saddle River (a very, very upscale community; Richard Nixon lived there in retirement.) We are also not close to Passaic, a city, although the map shows something called East Passaic, which no longer exists. Anyway. We like maps.

I haven't heard from the doctor yet -- I'm expecting her call this afternoon or tomorrow -- but I know that the scan showed "lots" of fibroids. Swell. I hope I can live and die with them and not have to do anything about it. We shall see.

Lacking a book to read today, I thought I'd do a little *shudder* work. I have a procedures manual that I wrote in the spring of 2008, pretty much a guide for anyone who came after I retired. Well, I'm not going anywhere, but I need to update it anyway, a little time-consuming, but not difficult. And then, CRISIS: I could not find the file anywhere. Not on my home computer, not on my flash drive, and not on the school computer, which I logged into remotely. At last, I found it tucked into the wrong folder on the flash drive, but CRISIS: the file is corrupted. I tried a lot of tricks to get it to open, but it just ain't happenin'.

So now I have to type it all over again. It's about 27 pages long; it'll be longer once I put in the revisions. Oy. And then make an abbreviated edition for the teachers who'll be on library duty; they won't need all of it, but they'll sure need some of it. And then save it in a million places. And put the printed out versions in binders, which I guess I'll need to go buy.

So now, it seems, I do have something to keep me busy. Funny how that works out.




watching L/O :: ENTRY #2092
READING: --- by ---

Ohai

I wish I could tell you that I haven't written in days because I've been leading such an exciting life, but that would certainly be untrue. I've done some reading, some shopping, some returning, some doctor stuff, and some marathon TV watching. That's about it.

Last first: I think it's probably not a good idea to watch too many Law and Order marathons of any kind. It makes me a little afraid to go into the outside world.

Reading. I started and gave up on a book called A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole. It's a Pulitzer Prize winner, and on the summer reading list for one of the new English electives at school. It was ... well, interesting, but too densely written for my tastes, and too crude for school, I think, although it is an elective for seniors. I gave up after a hundred pages. I'm currently reading, and on the verge of giving up on, a book about dieting and body-image and having healthy attitudes towards both, which R gave me to read. I'm down with all that it says, but it's saying it over and over and over. Even so, I'll stick with it for tonight and move on tomorrow, especially if I get the chance to go into school and drop off the book?s I'm done with and get another one that I want.

Oh, K and I did at last see the Harry Potter movie yesterday. What can I say? It wasn't a bad movie, but it was one of the worst adaptations of a book I've ever seen. It was as if all the heart of the book was gone. Less the halfway through the movie, I wanted to kill Dumbledore myself.

Doctor stuff, and I'm going to talk about the lady doctor and lady parts, so, you've been warned. Two doctors have pronounced me post-menopausal, so, yes! It's about time. Even so, there's some minor thing going on that needs investigation; the internist told me Friday to make an appointment with the ob/gyn and tell her I need a "hysteroscopy." I didn't know what that was, so I called, and they were all like "uh, no" and made me an appointment to talk to the doctor yesterday. Turns out that a hysteroscopy is a D & C, which I can tell myself that I don't need, and I certainly don't want, and the ob/gyn agrees, but now I have to have that all ultrasounded as well. So I'm doing that tomorrow when I get my thyroid ultrasounded. I already know that neither of these things is really any kind of concern, but I'll go and get scanned anyway.

Here's the crazy thing on my mind about all this. You know, when we are children, we explore our bodies and are familiar with what we've got and where everything is. (I don't mean just that; we also know every freckle on our hands and knees and feet, and all that stuff.) And as girls get a little older, we are warned of the changes that are about to befall us. (As are boys, I assume.) And the change comes, and it's more or less what we've been expecting. I don't remember being told ahead of time that I would get cramps each month that would double me over in pain, but I had an older sister, so that wasn't much of a surprise.

We are prepared for the change that comes at this end, too, but not nearly as well. For example, once you start piling on the pounds and can't get rid of them, only then does someone say, "Oh, yeah, that's menopause." WTF? I knew about the hot flashes, the mood swings, and some other stuff -- I had watched my mother for those clues -- but some of this other crap, really, I had no warning. Part of that is gravity taking hold, but just in general, it's like I'm trapped in a stranger's body. Not only are there new freckles and the like popping up daily, it's as if nothing is in the same place anymore. I don't know if I can be more clear than that, even if I were talking to you in person. It's just very, very strange. Makes me wonder what else is going to be relocating over the next 20 or 30 years.

No job yet for K, but a new opportunity may have opened up today, a really, really good one, so cross those fingers and toes, folks. Maybe this is the one that was meant to be after all.

Oh, and the girls gave us a really excellent anniversary gift over the weekend. It's in the living room, but it's a very rainy day today, so I don't have enough light to take a good picture to show. I'll try to get one tomorrow.




watching THE GOLDEN GIRLS :: ENTRY #2090
READING: Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby

Books and Stuff

I had my annual physical this morning. Nothing to report, some tests to have, that's about it. The only thing of any significance is that the doctor says all my aches and pains are indeed related to the Crohn's arthritis, so at least I know what it all is. And Resnick gave me something on Monday that should be starting to help soon, and today's doctor had me add a supplement that she says will help. Time will tell.

Yesterday's book, The Housekeeper and the Professor, was just wonderful. It's a Japanese novel, but well-translated, short, and different.

Today's book was So B. It, a YA novel I brought home from the library. Not brilliant, but well written for what it is, a good YA read. I seem to be in short-book mode now. My next choice is Luna, another YA novel; one of the kids at school told me it was good when she was returning it, so I'll give it a shot. I have another few in this vein, and then some long ones to tackle, including an old David McCullogh, this one about the building of the Panama Canal, and Mary Stewart's Merlin trilogy.

It also occurred to me that I would want some ebooks along for the Disney trip, and I was low on those, so I checked Amazon for Kindle book sales, and picked up a few.

Did I mention that I'm also starting to save coupons again? I was into this bigtime in the early years of our marriage -- so, 32 years ago -- but then it just became too much of a hassle to deal with. Now that I'm not going to the supermarket with two little kids, I guess I can handle it again. I'm checking websites, printing stuff out, and so on. In fact, it is a pain to do, and I don't know how much it'll really save, but again, time will tell.




watching THE GOLDEN GIRLS :: ENTRY #2089
READING: Luna by Julie Anne Peters

Lost Weekend

I didn't lose the whole weekend, just yesterday and today (which I know is Monday, but it's all running together for me.) It's about 11:30; I'm having a colonoscopy in two hours. At this point, I'm mostly bored, and HUNGRY. I thought I'd post now rather than think of the food I'm going to eat the second I come home later on.

It seems like a long time without writing for me, for no real reason. I thought a log about July 4, but couldn't decide where to go with it. It used to be a family holiday, a barbecue in our backyard, but the kids are all dispersed now, and my parents are gone. Maybe we'll restore it someday. It was a lot of work for me, but also a lot of fun. And truth be told, we did it as simply as we could. The vegan Hubs even cooked all the meat for everyone, but I don't know if we even have a grill anymore. Ah, I'll put it on the list for future consideration.

I couldn't eat solid food yesterday, so I pretty much slept as much as I could. I should have had a morning appointment; I did, for last week, but had to postpone it because the Father's Day barbecue at my sister-in-law's got postponed a week, so I couldn't have done the preparation.

Anyway, the worst of it is over, and I do like the feeling of going under the anesthesia. All I want to do now is eat. The good news is that this time, I actually did lose a couple of pounds. So altogether, I'm down a little over six pounds in about ten days. Not a rate I expect to continue, but if I can get two more by the end of the week, I'll be back to where I was before I started gaining the weight back. And maybe then the Wii Fit won't tell me that I'm obese. :(

So that's my story.




watching WILL AND GRACE :: ENTRY #2080
READING: ----- by -----

Nobody Knows ...

.. the tired I feel.

I actually had to take a break second period today -- so that's like 8:45 -- and go down to the faculty room and close my eyes for twenty minutes. I set the alarm on the phone and yes, it woke me. I fell asleep sitting up on a couch in the faculty room. As much as it pains me, I may have to try to go to sleep tonight at ten, which means no George Lopez, but I gotta be a little pro-active here.

In other news, I went to see Resnick the Gut Doctor today and he said, among other things, that I need a CAT scan of my liver and I need to keep losing weight. Because he suspects there are fat deposits in my liver, which could lead to, among other things, cirrhosis, and I want to tell you, I am not having that. I haven't consumed as much alcohol in my life as your typical sixteen year old, for one, and for two, I haven't been overweight long enough for it to kill my liver. I realize the Resbnick is being diligent, and that's what you want your doctor to do, but I am not having this. Anyway, no emergency; I'm having the CAT scan on President's Day -- February 16 -- when I'm also having blood work, since it's all fasting so a day when there's no school is best.

As for me, as soon as I talk to R, which should be in ten minutes or so, I'm jumping back on the Wii Fit, because it is certainly the cause of my recent loss of about five pounds. I need to do it every day, if I can, instead of three or four times a week, and it's just too bad if it interferes with everybody else's Internet. (Although I just moved the router a little while ago, so maybe that problem is solved.)

Anyway, I hear the Hubs in the kitchen, so that means he's not on the Internet. I can probably fit in my body test before she calls. I wonder how much the pastrami sandwich I just had weighs? I didn't eat the bread, I swear!


WATCHING FAMILY GUY :: ENTRY #1970
READING: Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norell by Susanna Clarke

Where the Day Went

Okay, so I went off to my mammogram this morning with my sister and the upshot is that I had a needle biopsy, which is probably nothing, but you know, it's not officially nothing until you get the call with the results, which will be tomorrow.

Other than having a very good time with my sister, despite what we were actually doing together, it was a mostly sucky day, I guess. It was sixty-ish here today, which is odd, but very rainy and windy, so deciding what to wear was pretty much a no-win situation. After I dropped the Sibs off at home, I went on my missions, first to Fortunoff's, which had a sign in the window that Christmas trees were 40% off. Yeah, right, 40% off of the most overpriced Christmas trees I've ever seen. They actually had one priced at $850!!! They had nothing small, and the smallest one they had was $250. Not. Happening.

I did get calendars at the mall; I got them both Futurama calendars. Then I went to Home Depot, which had a nice tree on display, but of course, none in stock; however, the nice guy who helped me told me they had fourteen of them at another store. (And I have a bridge if you're interested ...)

Then I had a 1:00 at the lady doctor, who said after the whole examination "Good! There's no ovarian cyst!" and I said "Is that what you were looking for?" Hey, tell a person. Anyway, I was done with that, and even though the other Home Depot was in the same town as the doctor -- Hackensack, our county seat -- I completely blanked on how to get there and went by way of China, but they did, in fact, have one tree in stock, so I got that. I'll put it up tomorrow, but it looks like a nice, pre-lit with colored bulbs, six and a half foot tree for $72. Yeah, way more like it.

Last stop: supermarket, and then home. It was nice to be home. I got a call from the people fixing K's closet tomorrow to confirm, so I expect to be here all day, and the kid is working, so I'm thinking I may get gifts wrapped if I have enough paper left from last year, since I didn't plan ahead and think I could wrap tomorrow and get gift bags. (I know I have paper, just probably not enough bags.) And I'll get a wash done and maybe maybe maybe a little writing, too.

Less sucky once I got home, I guess. Just tired now, and somewhat bruised, although not sore. I was such a good girl during the procedure they should have given me a lollipop.


WATCHING FAMILY GUY :: ENTRY #1934
READING: Flatland by Edwin Abbott

The Doctors Are Trying to Kill Me

Okay, so I called the orthopedist's office yesterday to get the results of the MRI, as I was told to, and they didn't call back until today. While I was out this morning (having yet another mole or something removed), they called and left a message that said I had to call and make an appointment with the doctor to get the results.

WTF???

I don't know about you, but when I am told by the physician's assistant who's been treating me to call for the results, and instead, I get no results but instructions to make an appointment with the actual doctor, well, then I get scared.

I have been so much better in recent weeks about not letting my fear get the better of me, but this time, I really felt justified. I was scared, I was shaking, as I called them. Of course, I got the dippy receptionist, who was going to give me an appointment next week or next month, and I said Look. Either I see the doctor this afternoon, or someone gets on the phone right now and tells me I don't have cancer. She said, Hold on a minute, and puts the music back on.

Really, what is wrong with people in doctors' offices? Have they no understanding that these are actual people they're talking to, and not just names on a piece of paper?

She came back, and said it was their policy not to give results over the phone. I said, I'll be there in five minutes and someone better talk to me. She said, Why would you even think of cancer? We're not oncologists, you know.

Yes. I know. It's my guess that people are most often diagnosed with cancer by other doctors, trying to find out why they have this pain or that, and then get sent to oncologists. I mean, people don't say, oh, I have a stomach ache; I'd better go to an oncologist and see if I have cancer. They go to their internists who do this test and that and finally say, I think I need to refer you to ....

The upshot was that she got permission from a doctor to give me the results over the phone. I have tendonitis of the rotator cuff -- Yes, I KNOW THAT -- and a tear. That's it? She couldn't just freaking tell me that?

So now I'm going to see the doctor next week. I'm still fairly committed to no surgery, but I'll have to hear what he says. Anyway, totally no big deal, and no reason for that bimbo not to just tell me. It's not exactly a state secret.

I went to Loehmann's this afternoon and found something to wear to the wedding, although I need to get dressy pants to go with it. If it passes my sister's inspection tomorrow, I'll post a picture.

WATCHING FRIENDS :: ENTRY #1825
SUMMER BOOK #3: Shakespeare: The World as Stage by Bill Bryson

Visiting the Past

First on the agenda today was waiting for that phone call from my mother's best friend, which came a little before 10:30. I met her and her daughter at my parents' cemetery. We spent about 45 minutes together, some of that at the grave, some just standing in the parking lot.

It really was wonderful for me to see them, although it would have been a completely different experience for my sister. Doris is still totally hyper, remarkable for her age, which is 80 in October. She looks fabulous. (I took some pictures with her camera, which I may post once she sends them to me.) She drove here from Long Island. I did totally get the impression, though, that her daughter limits the amount of time she spends with her mother and has spent way too much with her recently. Doris is very hard to take in anything but small doses. But this was a small dose for me today, and it was great. We remembered, we talked about my parents, all kinds of things.

My appointment with the cardiologist was at 12:30, but I didn't actually see the doctor until about 2:15. Now, this is total proof that either the anti-depressants are helping me or that I have evolved, because this is the kind of thing that always pushes me over the edge. This time, not only was I accepting of it -- I didn't want to reschedule and have to go back -- but my blood pressure was even on the low side when someone finally came in and took it. When the doctor came in, he asked why I was there, and I said Uh ... your office called and said I needed an annual follow up? I certainly am having no cardiac complaints. Anyway, he took an EKG and gave me a copy, and said I should carry it with me in case I ever need to show that the abnormality in it is an old one -- okay -- and he also said that unless I want to lose weight to feel better, which I told him I did, there's no cardiac need for me to lose weight. I love when doctors tell me that! But less weight would be easier on my feet and back, not that I know if I can even lose anything.

About a half hour ago, K's college roommate dropped in, on her way driving from Maine to San Francisco. Originally, K was going to go with her from this point onto Ohio, where their third former roommate is, but the little dear is somewhat disorganized, and showed up today, and K's final in her summer course is tomorrow. Whatever, they'll see what they can work out. So the kid may be gone for the rest of the week, and R is going to Mexico tomorrow for ten days, I think. Why do they always end up doing these things at the same time?

And I have court tomorrow afternoon for my speeding ticket. I'll let you know how that goes, too.


WATCHING GILMORE GIRLS :: ENTRY #1823
SUMMER BOOK #3: As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner

To Clarify:

I checked on the Peter Pan stuff, and it was on TV several times, but not always the same version. The actual original cast was only telecast once, in 1954, so I certainly don't remember that, but it was shown again a few years later with the almost-original cast, which is to say, they replaced the children, but everyone else was original. This is the one I remember, which was shown twice; a few years later they did it again, again only replacing the children. I'm sure I saw that whenever it was on, too, but what I remember is the second one, which I always thought did have the original children in it, but it didn't.

Well, I'm glad I cleared that up.

Today was the foot doctor and the MRI. I think I'm done with the foot doctor, since I am never taking time off from school again for that, and he only works Friday mornings and said I should come back in six weeks. Don't hold your breath. The MRI was fine, only twenty minutes, I only had to go about halfway in, so if I opened my eyes, I could still see out into the room, pretty much. No big deal. I'll get the results on Monday, and I'm not going to do anything about that either.

I have many, many appointments next week, including, at last, a nutritionist on Friday. And court on Tuesday for my traffic ticket. Boo court.

I got up very early for summer this morning, 6:30, and I am soooo tired now. I've been much better with the tired this summer since my body has fallen into its natural sleeping pattern. Sadly for me, this pattern involved falling asleep between midnight and one and waking up around eight. I like it a real lot, but I doubt my employers are going to let me keep it up, considering that first period starts at 7:55 and I'm kinds supposed to be there by then. Hmm. Something else to look forward to in retirement. So anyway, I'm going to go relax on the couch now.


WATCHING FAMILY GUY :: ENTRY #1820
SUMMER BOOK #3: The Yiddish Policemen's Union by Michael Chabon

So Here's How It's Going

So far, I am not achieving my main goal for this summer, which is not to be sick like I was last summer.

Hmm.

I have the eye infection, which is improving, but I'm pretty sure I have a sinus infection, too. I won't go into the details, but I'll tell you, I wake up every morning and the first thing I think is that I wish I was in someone else's body. Okay, I'll go into the details, some; I'm not stuffy and the pain is manageable, but my teeth hurt and there is a characteristic unpleasant taste in my mouth/smell in my nose at all times. So, ick. I'm going to the doctor Wednesday for a blood pressure check -- that's been good, at least -- so I'll ask her about this, too, although I think a visit to Harry Katz The Sinus Man is in my near future.

I watched the movie Waitress over the weekend, which I like very, very much. I highly recommend it.

I went on a fruitless search this morning to the Japanese stores in Edgewater for some bento supplies; on the way back I tried to find a store I had seen listed online which was in a completely different part of the county, a part I'd never actually been in before. Also fruitless. A huge waste of time. The only good thing about it was getting to listen to more of the song countdown on the radio.

My fun for the day was going out to buy a new baby gift. Someone the Hubs works with (whose Polish wedding we went to last year) has just become a new daddy, which is exciting, and my standard new baby gift is books, so I had a fun visit to Barnes and Noble this afternoon. It was even more fun because these are books for the mommy, too, who is educated in Polish but has only been learning English since she arrived last year, so I think she'll enjoy them, too. Here's what I got:

Goodnight, Moon
Where the Wild Things Are
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
Harold and the Purple Crayon
Green Eggs and Ham
The four books in the Nutshell Library, which are
Alligators All Around
Chicken Soup With Rice
Pierre
One Was Johnny

It's very Sendak heavy, but hey, I love Sendak above all children's author/illustrators, so there you are. I wasn't going to get Harold, but I saw a nice paperback edition of it on the counter where I was sorting all the other books, so I had to get it. Goodnight, Moon is a board book; I also saw a board book edition of The Snowy Day, so I got that for myself because I love it and don't have it on my special children's book shelf. (Although I'm thinking now that the edition my kids had when they were little is on the other bookshelf, behind the little couch. Ah well. You can never have too many fine books.) The whole trip made me think again that it would be nice to work in the B & N children's department when I retire, but clear thinking reminds me that it would not. I'm not up on contemporary children's books, and I wouldn't want to work Saturdays, which they want you to do. (And Sundays, I would think, if we ever give up the Blue Laws here that keep the stores closed on Sundays.)

So I did knock off two things on my actual list of summer projects, which were to buy the books, and to file the last few months worth of house papers. I haven't started the basement yet, which I'm not bothered about. I have the turntable to hook up to the computer, but then I'm thinking that I can't even get to the record albums until I do a little basement work. Maybe next week.

Therapy tomorrow morning. All ready.

WATCHING FRIENDS :: ENTRY #1799
SUMMER BOOK #3: The Yiddish Policemen's Union by Michael Chabon

Catching Up

Okay, let's see.

One of the interesting revelations that yesterday brought me was that hey, not only do I find sharing my vacation with K to be somewhat lacking in alone time, so does she! Well, whaddaya know. Really, I should have figured that one out. So this morning, after I got up slowly and attempted breakfast -- not working out for me lately -- I went out and did some errands and things so that she could have the house to herself for a while when she got up. And she wasn't going to want to go to K-Mart with me (where I got those sports tools for the Wii, more on that to follow), or to get my car washed, and so on. We were actually home together for a brief time today, since she went out while I was home, and then I had the other doctor to go to, and then a pedicure, and then she was gone to class.

It also turns out that the edge I was teetering on a few weeks ago is still just under the surface. I let a few things get to me yesterday, although I didn't blow my top and got myself back under control, and I came close to letting someone have it at K-Mart this morning. But that's what made me realize where I am, so I'm working on it. I don't like feeling this way. The near-constant sinus headache is also not helping.

There is a very grungy K-Mart in the town next to B-Town, so I thought I'd make a quick check for the sports pack there, since it's convenient. I made my way into the empty electronics department and started looking around, at which point a male employee, maybe in his thirties or forties, started following me around, saying, rudely, "Hello? Hello? Are you looking for something?" I said I was looking for Wii games and accessories. He pointed me to a wall of games, and then said, again rudely, "The accessories are here" and pointed to another aisle. I found exactly what I was looking for, and asked him -- because he was still following me around -- if I could return it if it didn't work. "No," he said, quite firmly, so I put it back, and said "Why would I buy it, then?" He said that of course it would work, and I pointed to another set and said I had bought that but had to return it because it didn't work. And he said "Impossible."

So I said "Then I guess I'm lying to you. Bye." when what I really wanted to do was rip his smug head off and call a manager over. Fucking asshole. So then I went to another K-Mart in another town, picked up the same item and took it to the cashier, who said that of course I could return it if I wanted to, and that was that. I got it, it works, I was unnecessarily aggravated by an idiot. What was his point, anyway?

I liked the new eye doctor very much. She confirmed the other guy's diagnosis, but gave me stronger eye drops for it. She also explained his whole diagnosis; get this. The doctor had said something I didn't quite get for what I had, so I asked him to write it down. He said his assistant would write it down, and when I reminded her, this is what she wrote on the back of a business card:

Episcleritis
Blepheritis
Trichiasis

I said "I have all three of those?" and she said "Well, in that order."

Excuse me?

The doctor had said one thing -- episcleritis -- and hadn't mentioned anything else, and what was that supposed to mean: "Well, in that order"? Today's doctor explained. Episcleritis is the infection I have, a side effect of which is irritation of the inside of the eyelid, which is blepheritis. The last one, I'm not even typing it again, means I have an eyelash that is growing in towards my eyeball. Which I know; I've had this ever since the brain surgery and subsequent eye surgery (which was done by an idiot and has since been repaired.) Once a year or so, my optometrist removes the bad eyelash. Today's doctor told me what it meant and asked if I wanted her to remove it for me, which of course, I did. Yesterday's guy noted it on my chart but didn't think to do anything about it. (Takes two seconds to deal with.) So yeah, very glad I went to a better doctor. I liked her, and need to follow up with her next week.

R is currently waiting at the airport for a flight to visit friends over the holiday, a flight which I checked online so I know it's delayed. Sucks to be her.

So I had nothing in the house for dinner, and I stopped and picked up a box of frozen White Castle cheeseburgers. There are six in the box, which would probably be piggy of me -- although I've eaten six in one sitting fresh off the steamer; they're very small -- but I'm contemplating four. What's a little heartburn among friends?


WATCHING THE TWILIGHT ZONE :: ENTRY #1797
SUMMER BOOK #3: The Yiddish Policemen's Union by Michael Chabon

So Then I ...

After I posted my answer to the question this morning, I went on and lived my day, which is to say, I do vacation very well. I was totally relaxed all day. I got my haircut, and even though it wasn't styled the way I expected, I'm sure the cut is fine and I can do it myself. I had my follow up with Resnick, who says that we are going to grow old together, which amused me; it's his way of assuring me that I am going to live a long life. What does he know, he's not my cardiologist, and I knew I wasn't going to die from Crohn's anyway, not now or ever, but hey, I enjoy Resnick and I got what he meant, so that's all good, too. Feeling much better, btw.

Played some games, reading a good book, which I'm going to go finish now. So far, the summer couldn't be working out better for me.


WATCHING FUTURAMA :: ENTRY #1791
SUMMER BOOK #1: ABOUT A BOY by Nick Hornby

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

The first day of it, anyway. Btw, in case I don't say it enough, I heart all you guys out there. You know, just making sure.

I had a very lovely, relaxing, and accomplishing day. (You know it's not a day for me unless I can cross a task off a list.) I slept until seven and woke up to a quiet house, with the Hubs already gone to work and K not up for what turned out to be two more hours. I took a leisurely shower and got dressed, and then with my hair still wet under a baseball cap, took a quick run to CVS for something and then to a new Dunkin Donuts nearby with a drive-through window. And an incredibly cheerful and friendly worker at the window. I think I've found a new home.

I did my hair and make-up and still had time to kill so I made one more attempt to get the Wii sports pack that I'm looking for (with a baseball bat, tennis racket, etc.) and even though it was there on Sunday when I got the system, they were out of it today. I am officially giving up the search. It'll turn up someday when I'm not looking for it. Then another latte (hot this time) on the way home, and then the official start of the summer for me: my first doctor's appointment.

This was a mid-year checkup with the internist, the one I was wondering how I would confront over the situation this past winter when I was sick for a good long time before they diagnosed the Crohn's. I had felt that she was blowing me off; the Hubs just thought she was incompetent. I've already discussed this with Resnick, so I know that they weren't blowing me off, but I wanted to clear the air about how I had felt at the time.

Well. She came into the room smiling, clearly delighted to see me, and incredibly warm, taking my hand and telling me how good it was to see me well and how worried they had been when I was sick, and that she's been updated by Resnick on this week's possible flare and so on, and really: she just won me right over. She then proceeded to do what she's done any other time I had a concern (except for the Crohn's thing), which was to address it immediately and come up with a plan. I discussed my concern about one of my B.P. meds and she cut it in half. I talked to her about the estrogen etc. and she explained how the rest of that weaning off process will go. But really, get this one.

A bit of background first. My mother went to a doctor for several years who really was incompetent because he a) never took her off sleeping pills, and b) never told her to stop smoking. Now, I'm not looking for a doctor who's going to say Hey, you go right on doing that bad stuff you're doing! because that's just stupid, but the doctor did specifically tell me not to go on a diet. I couldn't believe it. (Her reasoning is that since Crohn's tends to prevent the body from absorbing nutrients from all the food you eat, cutting down to 1200 calories or so would be insane, since then I would really not be getting enough vitamins and stuff to be healthy.) She did suggest more activity, which I expected, and which will hopefully work better with less of the B.P. stuff.

I came home and took a nap, and then when K went to class, I fired up the Wii. Let's see, today I played tennis and golf -- what a frustrating game; why does anybody play it? -- as well as my usual baseball and bowling. I also did a target shooting thing. Whatever, I worked up a sweat, which is the whole point.

In and among all this, I also took care of a variety of phone calls and appointments. Oh, the task I accomplished was to adjust the window blinds and cords in the family room so that I can raise and lower them now without a lot of hugga-mugga, which will hopefully let me sleep a little later in the morning. See, I had the cords all tied up so they weren't hanging loose because I was afraid the cats would get tangled in them. Yes, that would be the cats that both died last year. Hey, I never thought of doing it until today.

I did not clean today, nor did I cook, so my record there is still clean.

Tomorrow: a haircut, and of course, a doctor, who is Resnick. Maybe a brief trip to Trader Joe's or Whole Foods. I'm hungry.


WATCHING GILMORE GIRLS :: ENTRY #1789

Hold On

I didn't write yesterday. Part of it was that by six or seven I was overwhelmed by the news of Tim Russert and all the coverage, although I kept watching until after nine. I wondered if there was actually too much coverage, but here's what I think about that. I think that if a beloved member of Congress died, the other senators and representatives would pass a resolution to honor him and name a bridge after him, because that's what they do in Congress. If a beloved colleague on my staff died, we would raise money and create a scholarship in his or name, and name the library or gym after him, because we're teachers and those are the things we do. When television journalists lose a beloved colleague, they must cover the story in as much depth as they can, because it's what they do. It's the way they express themselves. I can't fault them for it at all, but I reached a point of sadness where I couldn't watch anymore.

It's the great equalizer, of course, death. Now, it makes no difference whatsoever to Tim Russert who wins the election, or what gas costs. When Fidel Castro dies, it will not matter to him at all that he led his country into a sort of poverty-level equality all those years. When terrorists die in suicide bombings, within minutes, their cause stops existing for them. It makes me wonder why some of these people -- not Tim Russert, but terrorists and the like -- can care so much about the things in this life. I understand, of course, that their religious beliefs are different that mine, and that they think their actions here bring them rewards in the afterlife, but even so. I think that what you do here counts a real lot, but it's not a means to an end. It just is.

I've been having a bit of a pity party for myself for the last couple of days, and I think the whole life-is-a-struggle-and-then-you-die thing since yesterday is just pushing me over the edge. I want to be one of the people who don't go to doctors or take medicine, and don't need to. I said to K the other evening as I shoveled my handful of night time meds into my mouth that I wished I could just stop taking all this stuff. And then I said, Oh, I guess I will. Someday. I don't take anything that literally keeps me alive, like I would die tomorrow if I stopped taking it. I take a lot of things that make living more bearable, like allergy and gastric reflux meds, and other stuff to make me die less soon in the long run, like blood pressure and cholesterol meds. Oh, and the Crohn's stuff, of course.

I think, or maybe I'm pretty sure, that I'm having a Crohn's flare. It's hard for me to tell, because this would be my first flare since I was diagnosed and put on meds for it. I've been thinking it was something I had eaten, which I've mentioned, but it hasn't gotten better since I stopped eating it. It's gotten worse. I think that's another reason I didn't write yesterday. I don't know that I could have written without saying I'm having a flare, but I wasn't ready to say it yet. I started taking the donnatal yesterday, which is very good for the pain but makes me a little vague, and today was actually better. Even so, I decided that if I still think it might be a flare on Monday, that I will call Resnick and go see him and find out what to do.

Except about two hours ago, I was eating something, something soft ... a mushroom, I think, and a very sharp pain went through my mouth, and now I think I'll be seeing the dentist before I see Resnick, because suddenly, things are not good dental-wise. I can tell you that I am not having a root canal because I don't believe they do anything, and as far as I'm concerned, they can pull the tooth right out, but then I'm in for a whole temporary/permanent bridge ordeal, and I'm so not interested in having that suck up my summer, which is already dotted with doctor's appointments.

I can't exactly explain this; it doesn't feel like depression, really, just like sadness. (I don't think they're the same thing, although maybe they are. As I said, my head's a little not clear, and I have a headache on top of that.) I could probably use a nice visit with my new therapist, but that won't be until Friday, by which time, btw, I will have ONLY TWO DAYS OF SCHOOL LEFT. As of this moment, I have the coming full week and those last few days, so that's seven. But K won't be working at school any more this year, and I won't be bringing lunch at all since they're all half-days for kids which mean long lunch periods for staff, so I'll be going out with other folk or coming home, all of which means my mornings will be very relaxed and easy.

In other news, I won a new convert for my cult yesterday when K decided the time was right for her to start using the Bare Escentuals make-up, so we went to the mall and I got her started with it. Today, R came over with all of her stuff and the two of them were on the floor, swapping little jars and taking samples of each other's eyeshadow colors and mine. The jars are tiny, but last forever, so you can split one jar three ways and still never use it up.

Tomorrow we're off to the SIL's for Father's Day, which is not my first choice of how to spend the day, but it's the Hubs' decision, since it his day, not mine. And, as my sister pointed out, she and I never want to go anywhere, but if I've gotta go somewhere, this isn't a bad place to go. It's not far, it's a nice area, it won't be a big crowd. I do think it's kind of gift-begging since it's also to celebrate her son's college graduation and today is also the kid's birthday, but I guess the timing isn't anyone's fault. And we haven't given the kids birthday gifts in years, although I don't know if she gave my kids gifts for high school or college graduation, but if you're going to a party, you kind of have to. She had a high school graduation party for him, too. Whatever. My sister's youngest, Little K, is graduating from high school this coming Thursday, and I know what to give him because I know what I gave his older brothers and sister, so that's one's easy.

I am so rambling, which I knew I would be. I never even got to the story of what was on TV today, which was kind of strange -- I saw, among other things, the Little Rascals and My Favorite Martian, and Clarissa Explains It All. Anyway, now I am going to settle onto the couch and finally get to watch the Best of The Carol Burnett Show that came too late from Netflix for me to watch last Saturday. So I'm going to end the day with some laughs, anyway. Oh, and it's time to take my meds, too.

WATCHING THE HONEYMOONERS :: ENTRY #1781

A Drier Day

Well, no water in the library today. As per usual in our school system, and I think in most government-related entities, we hire the lowest bidder. This is why every building is crap, but it's Board policy, and for all I know, state law. It's not a good plan, but it's all we've got.

Today was more just gearing up for the end of the year. As I was literally shutting down the library today, one of the kids who never handed in that project (that was due two weeks ago) asked me if he could get the required sheet from his locker and hand it in now. And I told him that the moment he left the library, I was going home. Hello. I did say I would take it on Monday, since I'll grade it if he didn't, but I'm guessing the late penalty is going to be a killer.

I've been on the phone for it feels like ever, first with the Sibs, then with R, then with the Sibs again. Then with the Sibs again. There's a big Bare Escentuals event on QVC tonight/tomorrow, and we needed to get our priorities straightened out, or more precisely, our inventories. She and I will sometimes get these multi-piece sets because we share with each other what we don't need, or with the next generation of BE users, which currently includes R, Wonderful Niece, and Good Guy Nephew's fiancee. K says she can't justify expensive make-up now, but will join the fray when she starts teaching, which I think is awfully sweet of her since she must be seeing who actually pays for a lot of the stuff. (The girls do buy their own, but we're generous mommies.) Anyway, I've got my list straight, and as it turns out, I need absolutely nothing. That should make watching the shows something of a personal challenge, I think.

I got a call today from the cardiologist's secretary reminding me to make my annual follow-up appointment for July. Cripes. I think I'm in that doctors' office every five minutes, since all of my doctors -- or most of them -- are there. I just saw the podiatrist this morning, and of course, I make regular visits to Resnick there, and I have my semi-annual check-up coming at the end of this month. They should name a chair in the waiting room after me.

(I once asked them at the ear-nose-throat doctor's office if I had the thickest file out of all their patients, and the nurse hefted my file and said she thought so. These are the good people who found my brain tumor, and who do the regular maintenance on my sinuses.)

So did something happen today? I just put MSNBC on, but all I'm getting so far is silly news.

WATCHING MSNBC :: ENTRY #1773