Wait .. It's Friday, Right?

Not? Ugh. It feels like a Friday to me because it's the last full day of the school year. We start finals tomorrow, so that's half days for the kids through Monday, and then Tuesday and Wednesday are half days for the kids with shortened class periods, and Wednesday is also a half day for staff because we have to come back at night for graduation. So that's clear, right?

I had a nice talk with the principal this morning, who actually came here to the library to talk to me. I can count on the fingers of one hand the times a principal has come to the library to talk to me. Anyway, we worked some things out for next year, some very good, some ... well, you know. Ya gotta take da good wid' da bad.

I have just cleared the decks, so to speak, for the onslaught of the debtors, which begins tomorrow. I moved stuff off my desk to make more room for everything, something I do every year when this begins. But each year is different. I could be swamped tomorrow and in a mental institution by three, or I could be sitting here in the library with my thumb in my mouth. It's a matter of how many teachers understand my directions each year. Seriously.

So, after school today, back to the urologist, what fun. I think I'm going to tell him I've decided to live with my problem for the rest of my natural life. It's not as if I don't already have annoying conditions that I have no choice but to live with for the rest of my natural life. What's one more?

My knee is sore today, in the back, what my kids used to call the "knee-pit." That's where the bone is damaged, so I guess it makes sense that it should hurt there. No idea why, but I'm not really babying it anymore, no cane, no knee support. (I guess that's why it hurts, duh.) Anyway, one more thing to learn to live with.

Do I sound bummed out? I'm not, not at all. It's like when this stuff happens, I think "Oh, well, now there's that," but very, very little actually upsets me. (Still not thrilled about the whole hearing aids thing though, which is not yet resolved.) It's amazing, and I owe it all to the little pills, which I resisted for beaucoup de years because how could I get it until I got it? What the little pills do is they let me be me, without the angst that made me not me. They don't make me artificially happy. They allow me to deal with what comes up without each little thing becoming a huge emotional issue. I'm just me. I rather like just me; I certainly prefer being just me to being that other icky, freaked out spaz.

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Still in school. MORON ALERT! What did I say about the process only going as well as the teachers understanding the directions?

Normally, the library stays open after school. The substitute who's been with me is here until 3:05 and then a teacher comes in and stays until 5:00. But she's gone on an interview this afternoon, and normally I would stay the half-hour, but today I have the doctor's appointment at 3:00. So I put a sign on the door that says the library is closing at 2:35, but will re-open at 3:05 when Mr. K --- arrives and will remain open until 5:00. Is that hard?

A teacher just wandered in, looked briefly at the sign, and asked "Oh, the library is closing?"

I said, "Well, at 2:35."

She looked thoughtful, and asked "Forever?"

Yes, idiot, forever. There will never again be a library at Bizarro Town High School, ever, ever, ever, ever.

She couldn't just read the damn sign?

Perhaps I have not become as even-tempered as I have been led to believe, eh?




watching FRIENDS :: ENTRY #2067
READING: ----- by -----

Quiet Sunday

I never left the house today, unless I want to count the three times I stepped out the back door to take garbage out. Otherwise, I did some laundry and stuff like that. I worked out for about twenty minutes, but had I realized that I was going to be alone for a couple of hours -- the Hubs out walking, the girls out shopping -- I would have planned differently and worked out for longer, and maybe fit in a CVS run as well, since they have Tide on sale and I'm running low. But it was a very nice day.

Once the girls got back, we watched the concert in Washington, which we all had snarky comments on, but in general, it was nice to see that going on. I was particularly moved by Pete Seeger at the end; I've long thought that "This Land is Your Land" would make a much better national anthem than "The Star Spangled Banner." But that's just me.

I'm wondering if I'm enjoying this inauguration so much because it coincides with me pulling out of a depression, or if the inauguration is part of what's helping me along. There is so much hope in the air, so much a sense of what I believe in not being politically incorrect anymore. Plus, don't you just want to pinch the cheeks on that little girl, Sasha? That one looks like she's just waiting for the chance to be an imp in the White House. I love a kid who looks like the spirit is burning behind her eyes, even at 7.

So tomorrow, a half-day, but really longer than half, and then a couple of hours of workshops which I have no plans to attend. One of them is on Internet safety, and since I wrote the original school district policy on it, I think making me go is just disrespectful. I'll stay through the lunch period and then tell them I have to leave.

Nothing else is new. Looks like a heatwave coming up for the rest of the week, temps in the thirties and high twenties. 22 seemed balmy this morning, considering that yesterday we woke up to 2.


WATCHING FRIENDS :: ENTRY #1967
READING: Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norell by Susanna Clarke

Turning Around

It's a two-smiley day, maybe three. I am very smiley today. Without going into excessive detail, I

* have a kick-ass therapist, who is a social worker and not a shrink, and therefore gives me concrete suggestions about making changes in my life and I love her
* have been proactive about implementing some of her changes, which reduced my stress and opened up my head for doing more clear thinking on my own
* have most definitely lost a pound or two, which drops me down below another marker weight -- okay, I now weigh less than 160 pounds -- which means I no longer weigh more than I did when I was pregnant
* have a plan. Maybe I have more than one plan.

I wrote an entry the other day which I didn't finish so I didn't post it, but here's the essence of it:

It has been suggested to me by my sister that what I need to do in order to make my job bearable is to re-invent it, or re-invent myself. Now that the economy and other things are making it possible -- I'm not going to use the word likely -- that I will be here for not two more years but maybe five, that's starting to sound like a good idea.

I've mentioned that I'm planning to move my desk, whenever the powers that be decide to put in the phone and computer connections, and that's a good first step. On Monday, we selected the SCM's replacement, as I mentioned, a substitute for the rest of the year. What about next year? If I get the support staff I need, I don't really need another librarian. There isn't enough work for two of us now, although I will still need someone else to help supervise the library and the kids in it. So that raises the possibility that I will indeed be re-inventing a lot next year: my role as librarian, the way the library works, the role of the library in the school. I have never been here solo; this school has had two librarians since at least the late 1940's, and at times has had three. But the truth is that automation has actually made our work much less time consuming: cataloging, book ordering, overdue notices; all of that is done on the computer, in fact, by a single integrated program, and takes very little time. As for teaching, our staff requires less of it from us, but I will still do that, as much as anyone wants. I won't do more than five in a day -- the standard teaching workload -- but I don't do that now (although in an eight period day, I can do four and the SCM can do four, but that rarely happens for various logistical reasons.)

So what I'm thinking is that with a good view of the room and someone else here to watch over things when I'm teaching, or just handle the paperwork of attendance and stuff, being here alone may be just the re-invention I need. How totally and completely unexpected. Huh.



The downturn in the economy recently was also unexpected, and though it doesn't affect my job, it affects the Hubs', so that's been a new challenge for us. I told him yesterday that he should have told me years ago that he lost his job; I'm spending so much less money now that he's working on his own; if I'd had the motivation to spend less years ago, we'd be waaaaaay better off now. But that's water under the bridge. Hey, if we hadn't had those children, we'd be driving our BMW's through big piles of money on our own acreage, but in the end, it wouldn't have been a good trade-off. Now, cheaper children, maybe that would have worked, you know, two children who only go to state schools instead of just the one. But again, water under the bridge. Maybe one day, they'll take me to Disney World. That would probably make it all worthwhile. (With grandchildren, of course. I want to go to Disney World with my grandchildren. But not just yet.)

I almost feel today like I'm on a bipolar upswing; now I can see why my mother enjoyed them so much. I know I'm not bipolar (although time will tell), but I have been flirting seriously with depression lately, had my meds upped, and it just feels so nice to feel good. Now if only it wasn't two degrees outside. Well, time will heal that, too.


WATCHING FRIENDS :: ENTRY #1965
READING: Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norell by Susanna Clarke

Catching Up

My state of mind is improved today, although it comes and goes. It's lots of things, but I think mostly physical, and that's been better today. Today's big annoyance is that one of my eyes is irritated; I'll have to go out and get some lubricant gel since the eyedrops aren't doing it today. Otherwise, okay.

I did go out this morning and spend the gift card the ILs gave me --- at Toys R Us! Of all places, huh? But I got two Wii games, and the DVDs were on sale there, so I got the new editions of both Sleeping Beauty and Peter Pan, and there went the card, which was just fine. I'm going to open up the games shortly and see how they work and stuff. (One is another fitness game, and the other is Wii Music.)

Tomorrow is promising: a haircut, followed by lunch and shopping with the Sibs, followed by a visit to the therapist, which was cancelled last week. And we all know I could use a visit there.

Here's the big secret of the last few days -- shh, don't tell anyone! It looks like R and her sweetie are going to be moving in together in a few months. I had expected this come next summer, and so did they, but the manager of her apartment building is just not keeping up (no plowing snow out of the parking lot, no lights in the central hallway), and they have been offered a house to rent, starting when the the sweetie can leave his apartment in February or so. R has already spoken to her rental agent and they won't hold her to her lease (I think, because they're trying to clear out the building, which is why they're doing what they're doing) and then she will move in in April or so, after she's finished with a time-consuming annual project at work. So. It's a little farther than I'd like (and a little closer to his family than I'd like), but it's all okay, and a side benefit is that she would really be within easy distance (a half hour or so) of the ILs. Anyway, it's a plan; they'll know within a week or so if all the details work out and they can really go ahead with it.

I've been sleeping a lot, but for some reason could not fall asleep when I tried to nap this afternoon, so I'm dragging a little. But again, it's okay today. Depression really sucks, I'll say that.


WATCHING WIFE SWAP :: ENTRY #1950
READING: ????? by ?????

The News in Brief

Do I ever not have medical news?

My blood pressure is fine, my heart rate is higher than it was before but still pretty good, I do have a sinus infection, I am depressed. The doctor said that she and Resnick had discussed months ago that depression was likely to follow my Crohn's diagnosis -- and they didn't even know me that well then -- and so she was ready to prescribe happy pills whenever I asked. She gave me Lexapro, a low dose, which she says is the anti-depressant least likely to interact with all the other crap I'm taking. So that's good. And I got antibiotics, too.

And went to physical therapy this afternoon for my arm/shoulder, which hurt a lot, but I think was okay. I'm going back Friday morning for more torture.

As we speak -- so to speak -- R is in the dreaded Atlanta Airport yet again, but the news is so far so good this time. AirTran actually booked her on a flight that got into Atlanta at 4:06 and a connecting flight to Newark that was supposed to leave at 4:36, and from a different terminal. Clearly, that was never going to happen, but the second flight was delayed, so she's getting in around 9:00, according to the current plan. Right now it's thundering and raining out there, so I'd be unhappier if I knew she was in the air and getting close. The storms should be over by 9:00, at which time someone from this house will be meeting her at the airport. This time looks like maybe the Hubs and I, which doesn't thrill me because the last time we had to pick up a kid at the airport he threw one of his hissy fits in the car, driving down the Turnpike, and I sat frozen in terror the rest of the way. Like a thunderstorm, these things pass over him quickly, but the effects last longer with me. My preference is that no one else should fly anywhere for a really long time. (Unless I'm going to see the mouse; that's always exempt.)

My hearing aids went into the shop this afternoon, too, so I have a certain measure of peace and quiet, but, you know, I can't hear stuff. An interesting trade-off.

WATCHING FRIENDS :: ENTRY #1801
SUMMER BOOK #3: The Yiddish Policemen's Union by Michael Chabon

Hold On

I didn't write yesterday. Part of it was that by six or seven I was overwhelmed by the news of Tim Russert and all the coverage, although I kept watching until after nine. I wondered if there was actually too much coverage, but here's what I think about that. I think that if a beloved member of Congress died, the other senators and representatives would pass a resolution to honor him and name a bridge after him, because that's what they do in Congress. If a beloved colleague on my staff died, we would raise money and create a scholarship in his or name, and name the library or gym after him, because we're teachers and those are the things we do. When television journalists lose a beloved colleague, they must cover the story in as much depth as they can, because it's what they do. It's the way they express themselves. I can't fault them for it at all, but I reached a point of sadness where I couldn't watch anymore.

It's the great equalizer, of course, death. Now, it makes no difference whatsoever to Tim Russert who wins the election, or what gas costs. When Fidel Castro dies, it will not matter to him at all that he led his country into a sort of poverty-level equality all those years. When terrorists die in suicide bombings, within minutes, their cause stops existing for them. It makes me wonder why some of these people -- not Tim Russert, but terrorists and the like -- can care so much about the things in this life. I understand, of course, that their religious beliefs are different that mine, and that they think their actions here bring them rewards in the afterlife, but even so. I think that what you do here counts a real lot, but it's not a means to an end. It just is.

I've been having a bit of a pity party for myself for the last couple of days, and I think the whole life-is-a-struggle-and-then-you-die thing since yesterday is just pushing me over the edge. I want to be one of the people who don't go to doctors or take medicine, and don't need to. I said to K the other evening as I shoveled my handful of night time meds into my mouth that I wished I could just stop taking all this stuff. And then I said, Oh, I guess I will. Someday. I don't take anything that literally keeps me alive, like I would die tomorrow if I stopped taking it. I take a lot of things that make living more bearable, like allergy and gastric reflux meds, and other stuff to make me die less soon in the long run, like blood pressure and cholesterol meds. Oh, and the Crohn's stuff, of course.

I think, or maybe I'm pretty sure, that I'm having a Crohn's flare. It's hard for me to tell, because this would be my first flare since I was diagnosed and put on meds for it. I've been thinking it was something I had eaten, which I've mentioned, but it hasn't gotten better since I stopped eating it. It's gotten worse. I think that's another reason I didn't write yesterday. I don't know that I could have written without saying I'm having a flare, but I wasn't ready to say it yet. I started taking the donnatal yesterday, which is very good for the pain but makes me a little vague, and today was actually better. Even so, I decided that if I still think it might be a flare on Monday, that I will call Resnick and go see him and find out what to do.

Except about two hours ago, I was eating something, something soft ... a mushroom, I think, and a very sharp pain went through my mouth, and now I think I'll be seeing the dentist before I see Resnick, because suddenly, things are not good dental-wise. I can tell you that I am not having a root canal because I don't believe they do anything, and as far as I'm concerned, they can pull the tooth right out, but then I'm in for a whole temporary/permanent bridge ordeal, and I'm so not interested in having that suck up my summer, which is already dotted with doctor's appointments.

I can't exactly explain this; it doesn't feel like depression, really, just like sadness. (I don't think they're the same thing, although maybe they are. As I said, my head's a little not clear, and I have a headache on top of that.) I could probably use a nice visit with my new therapist, but that won't be until Friday, by which time, btw, I will have ONLY TWO DAYS OF SCHOOL LEFT. As of this moment, I have the coming full week and those last few days, so that's seven. But K won't be working at school any more this year, and I won't be bringing lunch at all since they're all half-days for kids which mean long lunch periods for staff, so I'll be going out with other folk or coming home, all of which means my mornings will be very relaxed and easy.

In other news, I won a new convert for my cult yesterday when K decided the time was right for her to start using the Bare Escentuals make-up, so we went to the mall and I got her started with it. Today, R came over with all of her stuff and the two of them were on the floor, swapping little jars and taking samples of each other's eyeshadow colors and mine. The jars are tiny, but last forever, so you can split one jar three ways and still never use it up.

Tomorrow we're off to the SIL's for Father's Day, which is not my first choice of how to spend the day, but it's the Hubs' decision, since it his day, not mine. And, as my sister pointed out, she and I never want to go anywhere, but if I've gotta go somewhere, this isn't a bad place to go. It's not far, it's a nice area, it won't be a big crowd. I do think it's kind of gift-begging since it's also to celebrate her son's college graduation and today is also the kid's birthday, but I guess the timing isn't anyone's fault. And we haven't given the kids birthday gifts in years, although I don't know if she gave my kids gifts for high school or college graduation, but if you're going to a party, you kind of have to. She had a high school graduation party for him, too. Whatever. My sister's youngest, Little K, is graduating from high school this coming Thursday, and I know what to give him because I know what I gave his older brothers and sister, so that's one's easy.

I am so rambling, which I knew I would be. I never even got to the story of what was on TV today, which was kind of strange -- I saw, among other things, the Little Rascals and My Favorite Martian, and Clarissa Explains It All. Anyway, now I am going to settle onto the couch and finally get to watch the Best of The Carol Burnett Show that came too late from Netflix for me to watch last Saturday. So I'm going to end the day with some laughs, anyway. Oh, and it's time to take my meds, too.

WATCHING THE HONEYMOONERS :: ENTRY #1781

The Hits Just Keep on Coming

I think my place of work is trying to kill me.

I came as close as I have to a breakdown in a long time this afternoon. (My last actual breakdown, which was in 1990, also happened in school.) I won't go into the details, but a person with whom I've had conflict before came to talk to me about something that she knew I was opposed to (but she was going to get her way anyway) and I could feel myself sliding, and I said to her "Okay. You win. Just stop talking to me." But she wouldn't. She kept hammering, saying, Couldn't she just tell her side of it? and I said No, you can't, because you win, and I'm very upset now and please stop talking to me. But she wouldn't. Finally she left, and I felt myself falling over the edge, so I told the SCM I had to go, and I called the office to tell them I was going, but I got the Colleague instead of someone else, and she talked me down from it. So I did what she said and I was okay, and then I took my mouse in my right hand and raised it up and smashed it hard down on the desk. It didn't work after that but it looked okay, so I ripped it apart with my hands.

I'm a little better now. I'm still here as I type this -- this all happened a half hour ago -- but I'm a little better. I got a replacement mouse for now, but I'll have to buy a new one, since insanity damage is not covered by warranty. That's okay.

Why? I told this person that I was sick and I didn't want to talk. I apologized for coming off angry towards her, which I totally was since the last time we conflicted. (Which was at the time because she interrupted a conversation I was having with someone and when I said "Excuse me, I'm not finished yet," she kept right on talking to the other person as if I weren't even there.) I told her I felt that she was treating me like a piece of dirt, and that my job was meaningless to her and she was going to do whatever she wanted so she could just go ahead, she could have all the books too. (Yes, I was losing a whole lot of rationality by this point.) Anyway, why? Why we she just push on and do this? To me?

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A little later. I wrote that at 2.30; it's now 3.45 and I'm home. I'm a whole lot calmer, but still angry. Now I want to confront her tomorrow and ask why she thinks she has the right to do this to someone, but I won't. She's a bully and not terribly smart, so I doubt that I'd get any satisfaction from it.

On my drive home, though, I was reminded of something my sister said the other day. It's her idea of what I should say if I ever do indeed make a retirement speech (which I probably won't, unless I say this.) She said I should stand up at the podium at the faculty dinner and look around from person to person, and say as I focus on various individuals:

"Fuck you." Next person. "And fuck you." Next person. "You're okay." Next person. "Fuck you too," and so on.

Anyway, I just called and left another message at the therapist's -- you don't think I need to, do you? -- because thinking back on my call Monday, I think I left a message in nobody's voicemail box, so nobody really got it, which is why I haven't gotten a call back. I believe I did it right today; we'll see what happens.

I have a headache, so I'm going to take some tylenol, which is totally a placebo, but it's the only thing I can take. I'm considering an extra dose of atavan, which is an anti-anxiety drug I take to help fall asleep at night, but I know I won't do anything more than consider it unless a doctor tells me to take it, because I take enough meds and I don't mess with them. But a magic pill that makes me feel calm sounds sooo nice right now.

Really, I'm okay. I'm going to have some ice cream, in fact, and call my sister. And the tylenol, right.

In a World ...

where insanity rules ....

Okay, so we are having a teacher-training day on Friday, but until today, we weren't told what we were going to be doing. We got a notice this morning that said a) they're not going to tell us until Friday; they're asking us to take "a leap of faith," and b) please bring in a picture of our children (or any child we feel connected to; not everyone is a parent) by Thursday, to be used in Friday's session. To which I say:

WTF? I am so not doing this.

Given my current state of mind, this sparked an anxiety attack in me, in which I began to wonder if we're going to be doing some sort of touchy-feely sensitivity thing on Friday, and trust me, I am not doing that. No one wants to see me open up emotionally in public; I don't even like doing that in private, and these days I'm only an inch away, at best, from breaking down at any minute. A picture of my children? Fuggedaboudit. My children are adults, and quite well known in this school, and I would not do this without their consent, which they wouldn't give and I wouldn't ask them to. I was all bent out of shape over this, wanted to talk to the boss but he was out. I got the assistant boss -- the V.P., as it were -- but we really couldn't connect with each other because I don't speak her native tongue, which is apparently Martian. (Well, she's bringing in a picture of her daughter. Well, la de da for her. She is bringing in, no doubt, a professionally taken head shot of her daughter, since I saw one on the desk in her office. I.Am.So.Impressed.)

I'm much better now, because lunch and other conversations with colleagues have informed me that everyone thinks this is very weird and a lot of people are just not doing it. Some said it a lot less nicely than that. I over-reacted, I can see now, but my over-reaction switch is turned on these days, so there's not much I can do about that. But I must remember to avoid talking to the Martian whenever possible. This leaves me with only one administrator in the school I am willing to talk to, who is the boss. Him I like. The others not so much.

I have many missions after school today, and have not yet heard whether or not K's car is fixed. He usually doesn't call until five or so, so that's what I'll expect. I just hope it's not too late to turn in the rental car. Which I'd rather not drive around everywhere, but it's not like I can't drive; it's a car, I'll drive it. It's just that when I turn around to look back to back up or something and I see this huge expanse of empty seats it feels like such a waste. And I'm sure I'm going to hit something, or someone is going to hit me. I want my little car back. Or even K's relatively little car, even if it is a sedan. (I'm not a sedan fan.)

Why hasn't the bell rung yet, hmm? Inquiring minds want to know.


WATCHING MASH :: ENTRY #1721

A Step Back, A Couple Steps Forward

An improved, if strange, day.

First, let me just say that I used all my new potions and things in the shower this morning and damn, I smell good. It's nearly two in the afternoon and I'm still in a nice little Burt's Bees cloud. I'm just saying. My shower took twice as long as usual, but okay. And my hair even came out in a manner acceptable to me today. So that's all cool.

Got a lot of stuff done at work this morning. Also good. And then the phone rang.

Slowly I turned ...

But it was okay, sort of. Yes, it was K, whose car would not start. But she sounded pretty good, and she said that she was feeling much better today. She would call AAA and get the battery jumped. All okay.

But then as I was sitting at my desk, my stress began to rise. She would fall apart. No wait, I would fall apart, and I would have to do it at school. Hmmm. I logged off my computer, called the main office and said I had an emergency at home but would probably be back, told the SCM, and took off. What I wanted to do was give K my car to use, since she has a week's worth of errands and things to take care of, not to mention class tonight, and I would wait for AAA and come back to school in her car.

AAA was, amazingly, already there when I got home. I could see immediately that K was not falling apart, was in very good humor, and did not look sick. Three cheers on this one, folks! Anyway, the guy could not charge the car and then noticed that the sparkplug cables have been "cut."

Now we're a little freaked out, both of us, but he said it could have been an animal. Uh, yeah. So I sent the kid into the house to get ready to go out, since I'm leaving her my car, and I followed the tow-truck to our own mechanic, who said it is absolutely animals, we're the second car this week where animals (probably squirrels) chewed the sparkplug wires. Imagine that.

Home again, I call for a rental car and waited nearly 45 minutes to get picked up. So that sucked, but listen to what I got done while I was waiting: I called the therapist's office and left a message. I am proud of me. I was also pleased to her that there are actually four women in the office, so I may not even have to see the one who has a kid in the high school. This was a big step, although I haven't even talked to someone yet; hopefully, someone will call me back this afternoon.

The other thing I did was turn off the caller ID on the Hubs' TV. Yes, since we got the cable phone and the HD cable TV, when the phone rings, the caller I.D. shows up on the TV screen. I turned mine off immediately because I didn't like it, but I had no idea that it showed up on his non-HD TV as well. He mentioned it the other day as a curiosity. Yes, well, I don't need him to be able to see who's calling and such when I'm on the phone. I will frequently not take the call waiting beep from his parents because they don't understand call waiting; you can't say to them "Hi, I'm on another call; I'll call you right back," because when you answer, they just start talking and you can't get a word in. So when I see them on the call waiting/caller I.D., I don't take it, I just finish the conversation I'm in and then call them right back. The Hubs is famously strange about his parents' phone calls in that he never really wants to talk on the phone but if they call and I don't get him right away he has one of his temper outbursts. Doesn't matter if he's eating dinner or what, I have no right not to get him for their call NOW. So, better for me if he can't see that they're calling. TMI?

So I have this giant minivan as a rental car because that's all they had, but they charged me for a compact car anyway. I was going to go to the mall this afternoon but I may pass until I have my own car back since I won't be afraid to park it. (I haven't driven a big car in a loooong time.) Ditto the supermarket. In which case I need to take a nap when I get home because I am just worn out. But I smell good.


WATCHING L/O :: ENTRY #1720

Let's See Now

My weekend has been, to use a cliche, an emotional roller coaster. I have been up and down, back and forth, on everything, it seems. The Hubs has been pleasant and charming, which tends to make us wait for another shoe to drop. My darling baby has just been putting me through the wringer. Whatever I say is the wrong thing to say; she can tease me but I can't tease her back. If I try to do something nice, it gets turned around on me somehow. Even so, I'm putting her emotional welfare bef ...

Okay, stop. At this point, I was typing and K walked past me and poked me with a finger (lightly, she does it sometimes) and I freaked the fuck out. I jumped a mile and closed the computer lid down and she looked so surprised! And I just started to cry. I couldn't stop. And then I explained to her about how I was writing something the other night and left it on the screen (as I wrote about yesterday) and that I felt so terrible about it and she said I shouldn't, she would never read what I was writing and hadn't, and so on, and anyway, we cleared the air a little. She promised to try to call a therapist tomorrow and so did I.

Anyway, that'll do on all this for today. With any luck, I will find a therapist and I won't have to dump this on you guys all the time. (Although where I would be without you, I have no idea, but it wouldn't be a place I'd like to be.)

I was very tired today, even though I slept well, and managed a nap after Target. I haven't done much of anything else all day except a couple loads of wash and minor straightening up. I did watch two movies that we got at Blockbuster on the way home from Target, neither of which was an award winner: The Brothers Solomon and August Rush. The first one, don't waste your time; the second one, worth a couple of hours.

I haven't been reading this week at all because it was just making me fall asleep, but now I'm going to try McCullough's 1776, since I just had luck with his Truman. I have something else by James Burke of Connections fame on the Palm; I don't remember the title. One or the other.

I'm going to post now. I wonder if my sister is going to call me tonight?

WATCHING MUMMY FORENSICS :: ENTRY #1719

Sotto Voce

I'm typing this in a whisper, as it were, because of a strange thing that happened last night. I had started typing my entry, venting, pretty much, about K and her illness and whole situation, and the Hubs as well. The phone rang; it was unexpectedly the Sibs, to whom I had already spoken twice in the previous hour. K was watching a movie in the room, so I took the phone and went into the living room to talk briefly. When I came back, I realized I had left everything on the screen where she could easily have seen it.

I felt awful, so awful that I couldn't continue the entry, so I just erased it. I must remember to minimize the screen if I get up. She's not a snoop by any means, but if she passes by the computer and sees her name -- okay, her initial -- she's human, and it'll catch her eye and she'll read it, anyone would. (We are both very good about never looking for each other's diaries, and trust each other.) She doesn't need to see my venting. That's for your eyes only.

Anyway, today's had its ups and downs, but it's relatively calm now. I think she may have the flu, actually, but she can't reach her doctor until Monday. She's been on a very strong antibiotic since Monday, and although her sinuses are better, she still has a terrible deep cough and feels sick all the time. It's the mood swings that are hard on both of us. I won't even go into the Hubs, who was working outside all day so he's in a good mood. He even just suggested that we go to an antique book fair in the city tomorrow. Wow. But I can't do that much walking, not yet. I need to walk as much as I can this spring and summer to build my stamina back up.

So anyway, here's what I mostly did today: I cleaned. Yes, ladies and gents, I cleaned my house. I don't know if I really can keep this up, but I'd sure like to. I made a list of what needs to be done daily, weekly, monthly, and I actually got everything on the list done today except for dusting the family room and washing the kitchen floor, which I'll do tomorrow. (K will take over the floors again when -- or if, if you listen to her -- she's well again.) My new vacuum is very nice, but it's not the greatest thing since sliced bread. It is very easy to move from room to room. It was not very easy to move the old vacuum up into the attic, because that sucker, pardon the pun, is heavy.

I also did errands on top of errands this morning, stocking up on cleaning supplies (of course) among other things. I've also decided to take a little better care of my non-facial type skin, so I got some shower scrub and gel. (My sister's call last night was to remind me not to use exfoliating scrub on my legs and arms every day. Yes, thank you. I am 55 years old. I know how to bathe.)

I also love my new mouse, which scrolls. I've had scrolling mice before but never used that feature, but I love it. I also just signed up for Netflix, which I probably won't last that long with, but I'll see how it goes. I signed up for the one DVD at a time but unlimited throughout the month, and unlimited download access, and then when I submitted all my information and was in, a message said "Sorry! Downloading is not compatible with Apple computers!" so I feel just a bit ripped off, but I probably wouldn't have done that much anyway. But they could have said that up front, I'm thinking.

So, a very random entry here, which I shall now post before my sister calls. (Haven't connected with her yet today.)

WATCHING WINGS on DVD :: ENTRY #1718

A Better Day

Not necessarily a good day, you understand, but a better day, by yesterday's standard. Yesterday was a terrible day, and not even a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day, because that would be cute, and yesterday was not cute. But I am better, and I think K is better, or at least she is more calm. Yesterday, in brief, was a deep depression day for both of us. We have both got to go to therapy, and I don't know if we're working on it hard enough. I do have a name, but I'm thinking now that maybe I should keep looking, because this person is a parent of a kid at my school and one of the things I'll need to talk about is the assholes at school. K also has names and has called, but hasn't managed to connect with anyone yet.

No more details, then, because thinking/talking/writing about the details in ... detail will only bring it all back to me. I'm becoming a Scarlet O'Hara professional in my old age, as in "I'll think about it tomorrow." Hey, whatever works. I really do have to get a handle on this shit, though, because it makes my tongue go all weird, although I have no effect on my internal parts, thank goodness.

I will say that school was less sucky today -- as I indicated on Twitter -- because I didn't have to talk to any administrators today. Also, my brilliant idea of this afternoon was a way to manage a new car for K, but she looked into it and the car I was thinking about turns out to be crap. Sadly, it's the affordable car of the moment. We'll keep looking there.

What else can I tell you? Oh, get this. After my haircut yesterday, I stopped at the wonderful bra store, which is near my hairdresser, and I basically went into a dressing room, took off my shirt and said "Help!" So I got a new bra, and I am now wearing a freaking 38G. Yes. Who even knew that bra sizes came in G? Well, they do. And actually today was the first day in who knows how long that my bra didn't hurt me all day. So I guess they got it right. (With apologies to any of the male gender who might possibly be reading.)

I have ordered myself three presents in the last couple of weeks: my adorable cheap Mickey watch, which I showed you, and along a similar train of thought, a new mouse for my Mac, a two-button mouse, which I love and which I got mostly with coupons. But the biggie comes tomorrow (I hope): an Oreck vacuum cleaner and a "free" cordless iron along with it. Ooooooh. I am so excited! (No shit, I really am.) I will vacuum and iron all weekend long! (Okay, maybe vacuum, you can only iron if you've got stuff that needs ironing. But I love me a cordless iron. A brilliant invention. I had one for years, but couldn't find a replacement when it died.) Anyway, by this time tomorrow evening I shall have the cleanest carpets in New Jersey. I'll let you know.



WATCHING MASH :: ENTRY #1716

Good News, Less Than Good News

First, the less than good news. I believe that I am sinking into a depression. There are a variety of factors here, my illness, stress-inducing family, and so on. This morning, I was feeling very, very sad, and trying to get a handle on what to do about it. I think what I need is to go back to therapy, and I even looked up my old therapist on the Internet, but I don't think going back to her is an option. Although I'm sure she would see me, the group she's in is now specializing in treating eating disorders, and I think I would feel very out of place there. They had already started to move in this direction before I stopped going, and just sitting in the waiting room was sometimes awkward, and I was always concerned about running into a kid from my school there. (Not that I would have cared if anyone knew I went to therapy, but I thought it might be very stressful for the kid to think a teacher knew she was going there.)

Anyway, I was thinking about that, and how on earth to find a new therapist, and how I feel I am without someone to talk to, as I wrote yesterday, and then a very cool thing happened. The phone rang.

On the other end was my dear Colleague, she who was formerly the library secretary and who is now banished to another office in the school. (She's not actually banished; she got promoted away from me.) She called up to see how the girls liked their trip to Paris. And stuff just started to spill out of me. I realized that she is the person I'm missing in my life. She is the one I always talked to about anything, and she to me. We've gotten accustomed to being separated, but not really adjusted to it, if that means anything. As we were talking, I couldn't believe how much I was missing her -- yes, she's only in another part of the same building, but we rarely cross paths -- and it felt wonderful to talk to her. (We do talk on the phone, but not often enough, and then it's all we can do just to catch up with each other's lives.) And then I remembered something else: her daughter, married, in her thirties, goes to see someone for therapy, based mostly on my success and recommendation that it would be good for her. So, the upshot is, I got the name of someone to go to.

It's a good decision to go to therapy, and good to have a name to start with. I don't feel like I need to dig as deep as I did last time, I just feel like I need some support for awhile. When I first got my diagnosis in January, even then I thought that I might want to go see someone after a couple of months. So that's the good news. (Being depressed is the less than good news.)

I also kind of traced back a little of what's irritating my stomach, so hopefully I will stop eating that -- edamame, which I love -- and it will clear up this little bit of a flare I seem to be having. So I felt good about figuring that out, too. I hope it's not the apples that I've started eating again, because I really like apples, and it's easier to give up the edamame. I think that's it, anyway.

(Crohn's, btw, is one of the two major inflammatory bowel diseases, the other being ulcerative colitis. The main difference between the two, as I understand it, is that U.C. occurs only in the colon, but Crohn's can affect any part of the entire digestive system, including *ahem* both ends, the mouth/tongue, and ... the other end. Also, because these are auto-immune diseases, they can also cause rheumatoid arthritis [the big auto-immune disease] reactions in the joints, particularly of the hands and feet. I could go on, but that's the basics, that's why I get sores on my tongue when it acts up. I didn't have the ankle and wrist swelling until I got very sick, but the tongue is apparently an early sign for me.)

I also undertook a pretty big library project this morning, one that we had started last year but had to put off due to the change in the library software over the summer. (I'm cataloging our video collection. We have about 900 videotapes.) So that was a good decision too, to immerse myself in work that needs to be done, is somewhat interesting, and just the right amount of challenging. I'm also weeding out old and/or never used videos while I'm at it. I'm up to about 480, which includes all the ones we got done last year, so I guess this should keep me busy until June, at least.

(Why do we still have so many VHS tapes, you wonder? For one thing, we've got them, and we don't have the budget to replace them all on DVD at once. For another, many of them won't be available on DVD, maybe ever. Not to mention that we have relatively few DVD players to go around in the building, but we still have VCR's in many rooms, and many VCR's on carts to move around. The newer or remodeled classrooms have computers connected to video projectors, so they can just show DVD's through that system, but it's not widespread enough to make our videotapes obsolete. Yet. Although anything new that we buy is on DVD.)

I do feel better than I did this morning. I can't say that what I was feeling was despair, but I felt very, very sad. Oddly, I slept very well last night, which surprised me, so that didn't contribute to the morning's mood, but I woke up feeling like I'd gotten to my last straw. Better now, some. Of course, I do still have to go home (whence I shall post this) and talk to the people who live there (or used to live there), and I do still have to spend some time in a car with them on Sunday so we can go have Easter dinner with the ILs -- mm boy, looking forward to that -- but there you go. You gotta do what you gotta do, n'est-ce pas?

(K did indeed bring me a copy of Harry Potter et le Prisonnier d'Azkaban, which I could even read, some. It made me giggle.)


WATCHING ----- :: ENTRY #1706

Yeah, well

It seems to take me forever to post an entry every day, and even when I do, I don't much feel like it. So that and a few other things are leading me to believe that I'm sliding into a bit of a depression. Not an earth-shaking matter, it's just good to recognize it as early as possible, if I can. I don't know why, really; it won't become serious enough to take medication, not now, anyway.

When I talked to my cousin the other day, she reminded me of the pact that she and my sister and I entered into some years ago to monitor each other for signs of bipolar behavior, again, to catch it early, if we've got it. I told her that I've got no signs whatsoever of manic behavior -- experience with my mother tells me that it's pretty hard to hide that -- and all I had was the usual sort of depression. We've all got that, to one degree or another.

I think it's connected to my feeling that the summer hasn't really started yet, which of course, it has. I haven't made any concrete plans, other than Gettysburg next week, and I think that's connected to my back hurting. So I made one decision today:

Tomorrow I am calling the chiropractor and making an appointment for this week. (His office is closed on Saturday and open on Sunday, so I should be able to call and get someone there just to make an appointment.) I even wrote it down on a post-it, so I'll do it for sure.

As for whatever else is going on, I don't know, and I'm sure it'll pass. After all, I've got the new Harry movie coming up this week, and the new book the week after that.

I will admit that I've got some apprehension about our upcoming trip. For one, I have apprehensions about traveling in general, which I mentioned recently, and for another, it will be very weird to spend three/four days with the Hubs 24/7. We just don't do that, as a rule. I think if he's going to change his personality 180 degrees -- again -- that I should get a warning well in advance. It's very disruptive to me.

It's probably that, you know.

WATCHING HP/CHAMBER OF SECRETS :: ENTRY #1517