The Dreaded B.O.

[copied from dland]

Yes, I have it, the dreaded B.O., at least a mild case of it. Oh, in teacher-world, B.O. stands for

BURN OUT.

I don't know if burn out is inevitable, like senioritis in kids just a few months short of graduation, but it's a very real and unpleasant condition that will befall some people after many years of teaching. Many people. Most people. I guess it depends on where you are and what your circumstances are.

Today I was feeling very burned out. I actually told the main secretary in the office that after 30 years, I don't want to hear anyone else say that we don't do anything in the library. She said Oh, I can't control what people say. (She is so fucking stupid.) I agreed with her on that, and said that I just don't want to hear it anymore. In other words, I want her to stop saying it to me. Whatever. That, along with another incredibly rude secretary, and I went in to talk to the principal and said I was tired of being treated with disrespect. He looked all shocked, and I had to assure him that I didn't mean by him! But that I was tired of it by the office staff. He was very nice, and I think was going to speak to the other rude secretary, or have her spoken to.

Then, at the meeting after school, I was talking to another veteran teacher about this exercise they gave us to do -- write down 5 strategies for getting kids to learn in class, or some such bullshit -- and we were laughing about how we don't even think about that anymore, we just do it; it's ingrained in us now, and then after the meeting, when all the administrators had left, one of the teachers that I think of as a nice kid -- she must be 35 if she's a day -- stood up and asked us to please all work together because she loves what she does and it's so hard to still love it, and ... oh my. It's that first rush of B.O. that we've all been through, the one when we know we love teaching and why does it make me so unhappy? And won't somebody please help me? And here she was, this great kid and fabulous teacher, having the sense and the guts to ask us all to help. I was very impressed by her and quite sad that she's hit this wall, and sad too that I feel so far past the wall that I have no help to offer her. I don't believe I can make the sadness go away, not for me, at least; I only want it to stop.

I'll be better tomorrow. I don't wake up and dread going to work. I don't hate it until something bad happens, or some idiocy surrounding the new library annoys the crap out of me. I'm okay. Just venting.

In other news, I had lobster for dinner, so that was nice. But now I'm either having indigestion or a heart attack, I don't know which. Not caused by the lobster, since I actually had it on and off all afternoon. (Although the whole school thing did not make me tense or raise my blood pressure; I'm okay there.) So it's indigestion, just keeps coming back, but the pain is not at all intense. I'm just ... you know. Me.

Okay. 71 degrees tomorrow, so they say, so it's t-shirt and button-down overshirt weather for me. Going to take that out now, and then get my lunch together for tomorrow. The more I get done tonight, the more time for hair and make-up in the morning. Yeah. Still me. Really.

WATCHING SOME MOVIE :: ENTRY #1412