Terrible, Horrible, Etc.

It was a very weird night for me last night. Consequently, I am not myself today, consequently we are not going to that wedding we were supposed to go to tonight. What happened was, I fell asleep last night before taking my night-time meds, which include my allergy med, as well as the stuff that makes me sleep like a normal human being.

But if I fell asleep, you're thinking, do I really need that stuff? Oh, my. I believe I do. I fell asleep around ten, and slept until about 12:30. During this time, I apparently slept, because I had some strange and vivid dreams. First, I dreamed I had to pee. Now, this happens to me from time to time, and after peeing about three times in dreamland, my real brain gets it, and I wake up and I go. But last night, I was not waking up, even after maybe six or seven times of finding a bathroom and going in dreamland, and here's why. I didn't want to wake up. Other than the peeing thing, I was having the best dream ever.

This dream, like all the dreams I had last night, took place in my parents' house, the one I grew up in. Like all the dreams I had last night, it started with me sleeping in bed next to the Hubs, although I'm not sure what bedroom it was. In the dream, I woke up in this bed because, of course, I had to pee, but I couldn't find the bathroom. Then I realized what house it was, and I knew there were three bathrooms there, so I could find one to use. (There were really only two in that house, including one in the basement that we never used.) In the dream, I found the bathroom, peed, and came out into the same house, but in the past. It was maybe the mid-seventies, but I was still the current me. I went into the dining room, and sitting at the table were my parents, and my Aunt Rose and Uncle Ben, all looking like they did back then, which is to say, in their fifties, so, young. None of them looked like senior citizens; no one had gray hair or were in any way infirm. In the dream, I was all choked up, and knew this had to be a dream, but it was wonderful. I sat down at the table, but after a moment, I asked my mother to get up, and I got up too, and I hugged and hugged her. (I'm tearing up as I type this.) It felt incredibly real.

As the dream went on, I was still in that house and looking for a bathroom, and now I was looking for the family again, too; I wanted to hug all of them, or at least see them smile, as I had when I first came across them. Eventually, I woke up, for real, and got up and found the real bathroom, for real. I couldn't wait to go back to sleep; maybe I would dream about them again.

Did. Not. Happen. For the next several hours, I tossed and turned, hot and cold, hot and cold, awake and asleep, again and again. I saw all hours of the clock, but I slept for minutes at a time, here and there. After five, I got up again, found the bathroom again, and fell back to sleep. And had one of the worst dreams ever.

Again, in the dream, I was asleep, in that same unknown bedroom in my old house. (All night, each time I would wake up, I would have to look around the room to see where I really was, because that bedroom was getting pretty creepy.) This time, when I woke up, I went into the kitchen, where the Hubs was standing. It was maybe six in the morning and he was wearing a suit. "What?" I said. "What happened?" He wouldn't tell me, so I said "Oh! Who died?" remembering the uncles. (The really sick uncle, btw, has actually improved a great deal, and was discharged from the hospital yesterday, in real life.) And in the dream, the Hubs said "My father." And I screamed "WHAT!!!!"

So, in the dream, he told me that his parents were out in the car, his father was driving (at which point, in the dream, I said to myself, This is dream, he doesn't drive anymore) and they were caught in the crossfire of a high speed police chase. His father was shot in the head, the car was totaled, his mother walked away from it. At this point in the dream, I was screaming.

K got up, but the Hubs wouldn't tell her what happened, until finally, I forced him to, and he told her that her cousins -- the ones on his side, a niece and a nephew around my kids' ages -- were killed in a car accident last night. K started to scream and I was screaming "WHAT WHAT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT!!" and then he told K that her grandfather was killed last night too.

At which point I woke up for real and was absolutely terrified to go back to sleep. But I was exhausted, and it was maybe six in the morning for real, and I spent the next two hours dropping off and thenwaking myself up immediately, again and again and again.

Can you tell I'm still shaken?

It was only when I finally forced myself to get up after eight that I saw my pills from last night still on my desk. So I didn't sleep soundly enough to get true REM sleep, just enough and long enough to freak me out. And I didn't take my allergy pill, which is why I've been a big giant hive all day, a big giant hive with a runny nose.

I felt like I was buzzed all day, still do. I didn't attempt to drive or do a single errand; the only thing I was up to was laundry, and only towels. I was reluctant to pay any bills or lay out my meds for the week. (Yes, I have old-person pill containers, for each day and all that.) But I did, because I had to take my lunch pills, and I had to call the pharmacy and renew what I'm out of.

So, no wedding tonight for us. (The guy getting married is someone the Hubs used to work with; they get together to watch basketball a couple of times a year.) I don't think I would trust myself not to fall in the shower. I don't feel bad or sick, as such, just not all there, and shaky. And itchy. You wouldn't believe how many typos I've corrected in putting this together.

But I had to, I had to get it out. I did share a lot of it with the Hubs this morning, but I was still so out of it then, I have no idea what I even said. At least when I told him I dreamed that his father was shot in the course of a high speed police chase, he chuckled. (I softened the story a little when I told him. But I wanted him to know what had me so shaken up.)

So that's how I've been spending my Saturday. I think I may be ready to attempt to wash some actual clothes now, but I'm not paying any bills online until tomorrow, just to be on the safe side.