Ugh
I think my sister and I need couples' therapy. We're talking again, but she always sounds angry, and is picking on me for imagined things. We talked just now -- she had completely forgotten that we talked this afternoon -- and proceeded to tell me how I wasn't getting the right medical care, my doctors were not the right doctors, I was seeing all kinds of doctors who do nothing for me instead of seeing the one I need (!?) and she knows I like my gastroenterologist (Resnick), but she doesn't, and on and on. When I got a word in, I asked how she was feeling right now, and she said in a breathy voice "Like I have high blood pressure."
Whoa. She does not have high blood pressure -- I do -- she has chronically low blood pressure, so that scared me. I asked her why she felt that way, and she said it was from talking to me. Well. I could feel the tears starting, but I fought them down and all I wanted was for her to be calm. I explained that my situation was really under control, although it didn't look that way to her, and on and on, and after a bit, I asked if she felt better, and she said she felt that same. "Like you have high blood pressure?" I asked. "If talking to me gives you high blood pressure, you won't want to talk to me anymore." And she said, after a pause, "It was a figure of speech. You know I don't have high blood pressure."
What is wrong with me? Am I just taking everything too literally these days? If she said she felt like she was having high blood pressure, what was I supposed to know that means? Maybe a couples' therapist could teach us to communicate more clearly.
No doubt there's something up with me, and I have no idea what it is. I don't feel depressed, just sad about some actual situations, like the thing with my sister and K not having a job. I got stopped for speeding today, but I didn't get a ticket, just a warning. K told me later that I've been driving fast a lot lately. I asked if it was scary to ride with me, and she paused before saying no.
Not to mention which I got this haircut that I like and not a single person has said to me "Hey, I like your haircut!" Which tells me something.
The thing is, I feel like I am perfectly fine and myself, but apparently other people aren't perceiving me that way. Which fills me with a lot of self-doubt, and I don't like that at all. It may be time to start going back to therapy (although my sister doesn't think my therapists have done very well with me, since I still have flaws that she can see that haven't been resolved, flaws that no one ever mentioned to me and I am unaware of; maybe my problem is that my ESP is off.) But the next step will be that all of this will make me sick, and I don't need that.
I am so babbling now. All I want is to simultaneously finish a book, watch some Home Improvement, and go to sleep, since my alarm is set for 6:30 and I really have to get up this time. And did I mention that they're taking George Lopez off at 10 pm starting next week? No George?
watching THE BIG BANG THEORY :: ENTRY #2111
READING: The Lightning Thief by Rick Riiordan
Sorry, but I disagree. I don't think it's you! Your sister is judging your medical care?? Why? She feels like she has high blood pressure from talking to you? That's a really strange thing to say. Has she been forgetful lately? She thought you didn't take care of her at DisneyWorld? Seems that her pain issues and sleep issues there were not your issues, but somehow she blamed them on you. You aren't the cause of all this, but somehow she is making you feel that way. Maybe it's her who needs therapy..
ReplyDeleteBTW, if you don't want to post this, it's fine.. just my opinion on your sister!
You're not gonna want to hear this, but I'm certain your sister loves you. A whole lot. She is obviously not feeling well and taking it out on you. She is lashing out at you, using all she has because she is either uncomfortable or unhappy or both. She is really sick and not paying full attention, otherwise she would have remembered things better. That is a true symptom of someone who is not feeling wel. Give yourselves a little more space, and STOP telling her all your personal, private business. Don't tell her about your MDs or therapists or your other health problems or your kids' problems. Tell your therapist if you have to. And stop dwelling on her every word of misery. Occupy yourself with something else at least until she gets over some of this. Even though my sister thinks I have the upper hand, she gets under my skin all the time, and she whines plenty about mishegoss from 40 years ago. And don't involve your kids with it either, no matter how inclined you are to do so. Every time you give away the store it only comes back to bite you on the tush.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I'm sure you're both physically beaten up from the trip, so now it's time to go over the good things that came out of it.
Your sister is responsible for herself, and you are responsible for you. If you keep your distance for a little while, you'll both come out ahead. You've got so much going for you. Recognize it and think positive. If you want to get out of the doldrums, look up and call and old friend.
(1) I don't know your sister; (2) I can't tell whether you are having problems that don't pertain to her. (Anyone ever tell her, "it's not always about you"?)
ReplyDeleteIn any case, you have to stop beating yourself up about it. What I do know about you is that you are a good person and smart enough to do something about it. (Is there still a big sister-baby sister dynamic going on? My sister and I both are in our sixties, and I still hear it. And she doesn't.)
I think it's called projection....when people take a look at their own issues and clobber you. Therapy can help. She's afraid of something.
ReplyDeleteThe self-doubt thing is a killer. I go through periods where I feel like nothing I possibly do is enough or right, and how do I manage to perceive myself one way when the responses don't match my perception? Meaning, if I'm such a great person, why I am I getting treated so shittily? So I understand that, totally.
ReplyDeleteWould your sister go into counseling with you? Or can you talk to your therapist about what your sister has been saying? It sounds like she is blaming you for things you can't control, and that's not really very fair.