Turning Around

It's a two-smiley day, maybe three. I am very smiley today. Without going into excessive detail, I

* have a kick-ass therapist, who is a social worker and not a shrink, and therefore gives me concrete suggestions about making changes in my life and I love her
* have been proactive about implementing some of her changes, which reduced my stress and opened up my head for doing more clear thinking on my own
* have most definitely lost a pound or two, which drops me down below another marker weight -- okay, I now weigh less than 160 pounds -- which means I no longer weigh more than I did when I was pregnant
* have a plan. Maybe I have more than one plan.

I wrote an entry the other day which I didn't finish so I didn't post it, but here's the essence of it:

It has been suggested to me by my sister that what I need to do in order to make my job bearable is to re-invent it, or re-invent myself. Now that the economy and other things are making it possible -- I'm not going to use the word likely -- that I will be here for not two more years but maybe five, that's starting to sound like a good idea.

I've mentioned that I'm planning to move my desk, whenever the powers that be decide to put in the phone and computer connections, and that's a good first step. On Monday, we selected the SCM's replacement, as I mentioned, a substitute for the rest of the year. What about next year? If I get the support staff I need, I don't really need another librarian. There isn't enough work for two of us now, although I will still need someone else to help supervise the library and the kids in it. So that raises the possibility that I will indeed be re-inventing a lot next year: my role as librarian, the way the library works, the role of the library in the school. I have never been here solo; this school has had two librarians since at least the late 1940's, and at times has had three. But the truth is that automation has actually made our work much less time consuming: cataloging, book ordering, overdue notices; all of that is done on the computer, in fact, by a single integrated program, and takes very little time. As for teaching, our staff requires less of it from us, but I will still do that, as much as anyone wants. I won't do more than five in a day -- the standard teaching workload -- but I don't do that now (although in an eight period day, I can do four and the SCM can do four, but that rarely happens for various logistical reasons.)

So what I'm thinking is that with a good view of the room and someone else here to watch over things when I'm teaching, or just handle the paperwork of attendance and stuff, being here alone may be just the re-invention I need. How totally and completely unexpected. Huh.



The downturn in the economy recently was also unexpected, and though it doesn't affect my job, it affects the Hubs', so that's been a new challenge for us. I told him yesterday that he should have told me years ago that he lost his job; I'm spending so much less money now that he's working on his own; if I'd had the motivation to spend less years ago, we'd be waaaaaay better off now. But that's water under the bridge. Hey, if we hadn't had those children, we'd be driving our BMW's through big piles of money on our own acreage, but in the end, it wouldn't have been a good trade-off. Now, cheaper children, maybe that would have worked, you know, two children who only go to state schools instead of just the one. But again, water under the bridge. Maybe one day, they'll take me to Disney World. That would probably make it all worthwhile. (With grandchildren, of course. I want to go to Disney World with my grandchildren. But not just yet.)

I almost feel today like I'm on a bipolar upswing; now I can see why my mother enjoyed them so much. I know I'm not bipolar (although time will tell), but I have been flirting seriously with depression lately, had my meds upped, and it just feels so nice to feel good. Now if only it wasn't two degrees outside. Well, time will heal that, too.


WATCHING FRIENDS :: ENTRY #1965
READING: Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norell by Susanna Clarke