The Hits Just Keep on Coming

I think my place of work is trying to kill me.

I came as close as I have to a breakdown in a long time this afternoon. (My last actual breakdown, which was in 1990, also happened in school.) I won't go into the details, but a person with whom I've had conflict before came to talk to me about something that she knew I was opposed to (but she was going to get her way anyway) and I could feel myself sliding, and I said to her "Okay. You win. Just stop talking to me." But she wouldn't. She kept hammering, saying, Couldn't she just tell her side of it? and I said No, you can't, because you win, and I'm very upset now and please stop talking to me. But she wouldn't. Finally she left, and I felt myself falling over the edge, so I told the SCM I had to go, and I called the office to tell them I was going, but I got the Colleague instead of someone else, and she talked me down from it. So I did what she said and I was okay, and then I took my mouse in my right hand and raised it up and smashed it hard down on the desk. It didn't work after that but it looked okay, so I ripped it apart with my hands.

I'm a little better now. I'm still here as I type this -- this all happened a half hour ago -- but I'm a little better. I got a replacement mouse for now, but I'll have to buy a new one, since insanity damage is not covered by warranty. That's okay.

Why? I told this person that I was sick and I didn't want to talk. I apologized for coming off angry towards her, which I totally was since the last time we conflicted. (Which was at the time because she interrupted a conversation I was having with someone and when I said "Excuse me, I'm not finished yet," she kept right on talking to the other person as if I weren't even there.) I told her I felt that she was treating me like a piece of dirt, and that my job was meaningless to her and she was going to do whatever she wanted so she could just go ahead, she could have all the books too. (Yes, I was losing a whole lot of rationality by this point.) Anyway, why? Why we she just push on and do this? To me?

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A little later. I wrote that at 2.30; it's now 3.45 and I'm home. I'm a whole lot calmer, but still angry. Now I want to confront her tomorrow and ask why she thinks she has the right to do this to someone, but I won't. She's a bully and not terribly smart, so I doubt that I'd get any satisfaction from it.

On my drive home, though, I was reminded of something my sister said the other day. It's her idea of what I should say if I ever do indeed make a retirement speech (which I probably won't, unless I say this.) She said I should stand up at the podium at the faculty dinner and look around from person to person, and say as I focus on various individuals:

"Fuck you." Next person. "And fuck you." Next person. "You're okay." Next person. "Fuck you too," and so on.

Anyway, I just called and left another message at the therapist's -- you don't think I need to, do you? -- because thinking back on my call Monday, I think I left a message in nobody's voicemail box, so nobody really got it, which is why I haven't gotten a call back. I believe I did it right today; we'll see what happens.

I have a headache, so I'm going to take some tylenol, which is totally a placebo, but it's the only thing I can take. I'm considering an extra dose of atavan, which is an anti-anxiety drug I take to help fall asleep at night, but I know I won't do anything more than consider it unless a doctor tells me to take it, because I take enough meds and I don't mess with them. But a magic pill that makes me feel calm sounds sooo nice right now.

Really, I'm okay. I'm going to have some ice cream, in fact, and call my sister. And the tylenol, right.