Kind of a Hush

Things are very quiet today.

I called the audiologist's office this morning to give my report on the little repair they did on Thursday, and the report was not good. They asked me to drop the hearing aids off there and they are sending them back to the company to be taken apart and, hopefully, put back together again so they work. I had time to dash over there during third period; I have classes in the afternoon so that was the best way, since they close at 2.00 today. In the meantime, I'm at school without hearing aids.

Either the library is very quiet -- it actually is, at the moment, very few kids here -- or I am experiencing the world without its normal complement of sound. Or both. The public announcement bell just rang, which is normally unpleasantly loud to everyone, and it sounded muted to me. Some of the announcements are clear, others are not.

No one has spoken to me directly since I got back, so I can't tell you how that sounds. But lunch is starting now, and we're usually busy during lunch, so I guess I'll be able to let you know before long.

I think I mentioned yesterday how unpleasant the sound experience was at the movies. I think that put me over some kind of edge. I have no hostility towards the audiologist and what he's doing, but I'm very hostile towards the non-working hearing aids. I had actually toyed with the idea of not wearing them to school today at all, or not wearing them anymore in general. I may try the old ones again when I get home later, but maybe not. I already know they don't work, although with them it's not a matter of the sound randomly changing from one thing to another to another without warning. They just don't work. So I guess there wouldn't be much point in that, then.

I do like the feeling of hearing "naked", even though what I hear isn't loud enough. I like not hearing things channelled through a radio system, or mechanically reproduced or enhanced. It does make me more aware of the tinnitus, what I generally call "my ear noise," because when the world is quiet, the ear noise is often the loudest thing I hear. It's not terribly loud at the moment, but I'm aware of it. No ringing today, at least. The ringing sounds are most annoying. Can I describe the ear noise? It's almost as if there's another room, very close by, and in that room, the radiator is hissing softly. Once, I was walking in the park with my sister, and we approached a small waterall, but weren't close enough to see it yet. I stopped and listened for a minute, and said to her "That's it. That's what I hear all the time." The ear noise is always, always there, sometimes louder than other times, and with luck, I'd be wearing hearing aids that would make the sounds I want to hear louder than the ear noise. But not today. And loud ear noise is especially sucky when you're trying to fall asleep, since it's a sound you can't block out. Maybe that's why I like to fall asleep with the TV on, now that I think of it. I listen to that and i don't hear the ear noise. Hadn't thought of that before.

Later.

I had two classes after lunch which went pretty well, all things considered. The new building at the school, including the library and the library's computer lab/classroom, is all cinderblock, and the acoustics are just terrible for someone who hears well. For me, combined with the erratic hearing aids, teaching in the classroom was often uncomfortable; at best, I couldn't hear anything else going on while I was talking myself. (And if you know kids, you know that they're doing other things while you're talking, including talking. Come on, you all went to school.) But that was better today, somehow, I guess because my own voice wasn't uncomfortably loud.

After school, I ran a few errands and then went over to R's -- for a change -- to bring some stuff and pick up some stuff. She called in sick today, having gotten a sunburn yesterday and generally crashing after the last few weeks of intense activity. So she was home when she wouldn't normally have been. Her place is shaping up nicely; it's very cute. And with any luck, from this point on, she'll be doing her own laundry.

But the hearing was very good over there. Every time I was there since Friday, the air conditioner was so loud, I couldn't hear people speak, but today, that sound was muted and I could focus on the person speaking to me. I'm getting used to this deaf thing. I may be starting to enjoy it.

Tomorrow, though, I am at an all-day workshop, which should be a barrel of laughs. If everyone talks at once, I'm screwed. I'll just have to see what happens.

Must remember to tell you about the monster house. Perhaps tomorrow.

watching Reba :: entry #1479